At first glance, you might think the
title of this article is over-reaching. You might even think it a bit naive. I
admit I used to think the same. My experience though has taught me that living
a life without enemies is actually the easy part; the hard part is grasping and
accepting the thought process that governs it.
Do you have those in your life you
consider enemies? Does anyone you know consider you to be an enemy? What would
it mean to you if at the very least you knew of a way to minimize these
instances in your life?
If you find that this would be
valuable insight for you or someone you know, I invite you to settle in and
read on.
Firstly, it is important to
understand where our enemies come from. Get ready... it's kind of a whopper.
Ready? Ok...
We create our own enemies... yes
that's right. There are no enemies that we have that we do not create. It is
our perception of people and circumstances that create our greatest enemies.
Once you can digest this simple truth, it will be easier for you to understand
the attitude required to change it.
You can change your world whenever
you wish by simply changing yourself. In fact, it is impossible for you to
change your world or the world at large without first changing yourself.
To live an enemy-free life, there
are 2
factors that must be addressed in sequence.
1.
The Enemy Within
We are our worst enemy; we do more damage
to ourselves than any person or circumstance ever can. Since we have the power
to control our thoughts, attitude and actions, we have the power to either
inflict great harm or incredible good.
This being said, the first enemy we
have to deal with on the road to a life without enemies is the enemy within.
Improving upon the following 3 elements will have a profound and
positive impact on your success in this area.
·
See the best in you
It is important that you do not allow your mind to work
against you. Look for the best things in you at all times. Even when you fail
to reach a goal, instead of focusing on the failure itself, focus on what you
did well. After that, turn your attentions to the possible lessons you can
learn. Never categorize a failure as you... it's just an
event not you.
Instead, learn and grow from the things that did not work
and realize that the fact that you tried your best is always enough. Also, the
whole point of learning is to try again so that you can apply your new
knowledge.
If you can practice to always see the best in yourself, it
will clear your mind of unnecessary negative thoughts. Whenever your little
voice starts getting down on you - just pause and tell it to STOP and then change your thoughts to
be more positive. Learn to have positive conversations with yourself. Do it in
your mind, in front of the mirror or out loud; whatever works best for you -
just do it.
·
See the best in others
Just as you practice to see the best in you, do the same for
others. When you consistently seek the best in others, you remain open to
infinite possibilities. Never assume anything or allow your preconceptions to
rule your choices. Take the proactive stance to purposely look for the best in
others.
This does not mean that you are naive and that you turn a blind
eye to people's shortcomings. It simply means that you spend most of your
energy on the things that make them better people. Surely, you may know someone
whom you think has no redeeming qualities; it is especially in these instances
that this practice is important. In these cases you must look beyond a person's
past, accept his/her present and project genuine hope for that person's future
confident in the fact that this person still has the choice to change.
If you can truly think of it in this manner, you will always
be able to see the best in others even when they do not see it in themselves.
Someone once asked Mother Teresa if she would attend an
anti-war rally to which she humbly replied "No, but I would attend a peace
rally." Now I am certainly no Mother Teresa; however, I am sure
you can see the incredible power in changing your perception of a situation. It
may be a mere play on words but how profound and impactful for your attitude.
·
Confess your own sins
Too often we spend way too much time confessing other
people's sins and not our own. Other people's sins are none of your business;
it is an area of concern that you cannot change. This is why it is vital that
you focus on your sins so that you can change yourself. In fact, if you have
any hope at all of influencing someone else to change, again, you have to first
change yourself. Only through consistent work on yourself can you influence
others to change.
The enemy within is at constant work telling you to blame
the other guy when things go wrong. It will always lead you to believe it is
someone else's fault causing you to expend your energy bashing others. Whenever
you find this is happening, focus on what you might have done to create the
situation and aim to do better next time.
Be accountable for your own sins – they are yours and unless
you own them you will be unable to work on them. If you cannot work on your own
sins, the enemy within will consistently get the best of you.
2. The Enemy Without
The enemy without becomes much
easier to manage once you are successfully managing the enemy within. You might
consider someone an enemy if they've deliberately tried to hurt you or cause
you ill will. You might also consider someone an enemy if they have expressed
dislike for you or if you find yourself in a constant battle or tug of war with
this person.
The first thing to accept in these
instances is that these individuals will appear to you in the way you see them.
Your perception governs your thoughts and actions towards this person. Even if
it is true that this person wishes you harm, changing your perception of this
person can remove the enemy mentality from the picture.
Again, it's not about naivety, it's
about how you view the person. It is about what you choose to focus on about
this individual whether they can see what you see or not. How you choose to
view someone does not negate your choice of how you relate to them; it simply
opens up more possibilities for positive exchanges.
Improving upon the following 5
elements will undoubtedly have a profound and positive impact on your
success in managing the enemy without.
·
Make no assumptions
Although it easy to do, it is important that you make no assumptions
about someone. Be proactive and assess a person for yourself. Whether from a
distance or close up, it is important that you evaluate a person from your
point of view. Even when you have credible sources of information, these should
only serve as references to help improve upon your own observations. Often
times you will find that what works or is true in one instance is completely
different in another.
If you make assumptions, you automatically close yourself
off to any other possibilities. Remember that the other person may also be
making assumptions about you so be different. Go in with an open mind and a
genuine intent to learn and you will find other people far more accommodating
and cordial.
·
Seek Understanding
It is definitely true that we often fear what we don't
understand. Instead of embracing our differences, we put them down. It is
important that you seek first to understand others before asking the same in
return.
If you genuinely want to understand someone else, he/she
will recognize and hold you in high regard for that. Just think of what it
feels like to you whenever you feel that you've been understood. Now seek to
convey the same to others.
If you can practice this you will discover that people are
much more receptive to your position.
·
Embrace differences
The very things that make us unique are the things that
should bring us together and not drive us apart. We may all have different
beliefs and ways of life; however, deep down we are all the same. We all seek acceptance,
appreciation and approval. When you can truly embrace the differences
between you and others, you will immediately open dialogue, exchange of ideas
rather than conflict and rivalry.
Our differences are to be cherished not feared. We can learn
a whole lot more from each other by simply opening our minds to our greatness.
We all have within us a universe of greatness waiting to be unleashed. The more
we encourage it, the more fruitful and positive our relationships.
If you can truly cherish the differences in others, your
pool of enemies will quickly shrink while your pool of allies quickly grows.
·
No protraction
Any protracted negativity will only escalate animosity and
corrosive behaviors. Do not prolong negative exchanges; instead try to put
things in a positive frame. Even when the truth hurts, it goes over much better
if you can frame it positively.
I am not saying you should sugar-coat or offer fluff - I am
simply saying use sensitivity when delivering tough messages.
Do not engage in “tit for tat” shenanigans; these
equate to taking a reactive stance. Instead, take a proactive stance and
address the root problem. Look for win/win solutions; if for some reason you
are unable to reach a consensus then your best move is to walk away. This way,
although you won't be playing together in the same sandbox, you will still both
be happy that you both have your own sandboxes without fear the other will drop
a bomb on it.
·
Offer Friendship
Sometimes the easiest way to lose an enemy is to gain a
friend. There is no reason you can't turn an enemy into a friend by simply
offering friendship.
It won't necessarily always work and not every situation
would warrant such a move; however, in the event that it does - just offer
friendship. A good friend is better than a bad enemy any day of the week and
twice on Sundays.
It may be as simple as asking, "Can we be
friends?" The answer may shock you.
Now, do not misconstrue this as a mere
holier than thou attempt to rid the world of conflict and usher in world peace;
although, it’s not a bad idea.
This is simply a guide to building
more bridges than walls among each other. The undeniable truth is that it takes
way more energy to keep enemies than friends. When you have more enemies, you
have to expend more time, energy and resources watching your ass – I
mean six.
Conversely, when you have more
friends, you have a willing army watching your rear already so you don’t even
have to focus on it. With more friends, you expend way less energy, time and
resources on negative crap and instead focus on things that create and
distribute more value.
If you still believe that enemies
are necessary, consider this…
No matter whom you are or your
station in life, true success cannot be achieved alone. Without others, true
success and maximum potential cannot be realized. If your world is full of
enemies, whom will help you and how will you ever achieve success?
Ponder but a moment and realize the
infinite possibilities of having friends.
See you in the winner’s circle.
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