7 Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

A while ago, I wrote an article titled, The Secret to Personal Change, wherein I defined and outlined a blueprint for making effective changes in your life. I hope, if you've read it, you really got some value out of it. If not, I highly recommend that you do after reading this one to further put things in perspective for you.

The goal of this article is to bring a deeper sense of realism and relativity to Personal Change. By definition, this type of change is well – PERSONAL. In this vein, I have decided to share some of the powerful lessons that truly helped me to make effective personal changes in my life.

Some of them were really harsh – at least I thought so at the time; however, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. They have been instrumental in my growth and I am truly grateful.

These lessons are all true examples from my personal experience. I truly hope that you draw some value from these as it pertains to your own journey.

Not quite sure I'm ready for this but here goes…

Powerful Lesson #1: Get off your high horse

One of my major growing pains has been how to remain humble at all times. It's still a struggle for me sometimes because I am just naturally a cocky guy. Seriously, I work on this constantly… SURPRISED?

It's been such a staple part of who I am that on one job interview, the interviewer actually started the interview by saying "Hey Dean, look – I know you're smart, articulate and have excellent communication skills. I mean you're a dynamo and I just know you'd do a great job. There's just one little thing that bothers me about you and I think we ought to clear that up right now. You strike me as just a bit too cocky. What do you have to say about that?"

Can you imagine that being the first statement followed by that question in an interview? Well, it really did happen. I did get the job though… pheww.

Here's one of my greatest lessons in humility – getting knocked off my high horse.

I took a facilitation/presentation skills class once with 2 of my favorite teachers – Chris Baran and Sam Villa. In preparation for this class, they asked us to bring a presentation that we'd be doing in the near future – something we had to get ready for.

The whole time I was preparing, all I kept thinking about was what I was going to wear, what I was going to say, how I was going to look, how I was going to sound and what I was going to do. I, I, I, see a pattern here?

Needless to say that when it was finally my turn to present – I just knew I was going to ace it and look pretty good in front of my teachers and my peers. Not sure how or when it happened but somewhere between good afternoon and I am here to… I totally lost it. I began to lose my train of thought and forget what I was supposed to say. I was so focused on yup – ME – that I totally forgot who the presentation was really for.

To drive home the lesson, Sam suggested that I do the presentation again sitting down. As I started, he asked me to get up and he'd stack another chair on top of my chair. Every 15 seconds or so as I continued to deliver my presentation, he added another chair to the stack. It got to the point where it was totally comical because my feet could no longer reach the ground. I ended up laughing really hard at myself and the whole room had a pretty good laugh at my expense as well.

Once I came down from my high horse, Sam simply said "Dean, it's ok to live down here with the rest of us. It's not about you – it's about them. "You already know your stuff so whenever you deliver your presentation remember that the focus isn't you, it's your audience. You've successfully delivered your presentation when the audience gets it."

Wow… not fun at the beginning but makes perfect sense and it was quite funny by the end. Since that day, I have worked to make sure that not only during presentations but at all times consider others first.

Not that I never ever get on my high horse; however, this is a lesson in personal change I will never forget and always apply to my everyday life.

Powerful Lesson #2: Nobody likes a Mr. Know-it-all

This story comes from an experience I had after getting my first car.

I had just recently picked up my ALMOST new Saab Turbo 9000; very beautiful automobile if you're into cars. A few months after getting it, I was involved in an automobile accident that basically totaled my ALMOST new and vey cool Saab Turbo 9000. (Man was I… well you know. )

The good news here was that the accident was clearly not my fault. Some guy was so busy on his cell phone that he went right through a steady red light and slammed into the passenger side of my ride. It was even scarier because my niece was asleep in the back seat and her father, my brother, was in the front passenger seat. He was not a happy camper – to say the least.

In any case, the police arrived on the scene and began taking statements. As the officer took mine, I explained to him that I was going about 35 mph. Once I said that he repeated what I said back to me saying "So you were going about 30 mph…" To which I said, NO, I said I was doing about 35 mph. To which he again repeated "right, so you were doing about 30 mph…" Once again, in a slightly annoyed tone because I felt I wasn't being heard, I said, NO, I was doing about 35 mph. And this time the officer simply replied "OK, if that's the way you want it."

I didn't realize it at the time but I was shooting myself in the foot. As it turned out, my insurance company paid me in full for the damages to my car; however, I totally missed the boat on the other driver's insurance company.

I ended up getting 50% less than I would have from the other guy's insurance company because the city speed limit is 30 mph and since I insisted I was going 35 mph, I buried myself with my own admission.

Once I realized this, something my father used to say came ringing in my ear… "Sometimes it's better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." All I had to do was shut my mouth and listen and all would have been fine.

And the moral of this lesson in personal change is – LISTEN, LISTEN, and LISTEN! Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let other people talk while you simply shut up and listen. This is a key element in effective communication.

Powerful Lesson #3: Do what's true for you and learn to live with the consequences

This was one of the hardest lessons in personal change for me; it's the one that totally changed the course of my life.

For years before I started this blog, I was partners with one of my good friends. We'd started a music production company together – even made some pretty great music. You can check out our last production together here.

Aside from the music business though, we embarked on several more business ventures together. Through it all, there were times when I knew that it wasn't what I really wanted to do; however, I kept saying yes and going along because I felt like I owed it to my friend. Somehow, we became joined at the hip and it made me feel like everything I was going to do had to be with him as my business partner. Even he thought the same and never shied away from letting me know how he felt.

It literally took years before I had the courage to face him and say NO, I have to go my own way. It was through discovering my true purpose that I finally had the confidence and courage to tell my good friend exactly how I felt and what I needed to do. I knew that it would hurt; however, I had finally realized that what I really owed my friend was the truth.

I owed it to myself to be truthful about my desires and I needed to tell him exactly how I felt and live with the consequences. Today, I wouldn't say that we aren't friends anymore; however, things are certainly not like they used to be. We don't talk as much or even at all and we don't hang out together anymore.

The one thing I can tell you is that I haven't regretted telling him the truth and starting my own journey not one day since… it was one of the best decisions I ever made about changing my life.

Powerful Lesson #4: What a hypocrite!

This powerful lesson in personal change definitely hit close and deep for me. It was definitely a major defining moment and milestone in my life.

I am Jamaican by birth; I moved to the United States with my family when I was 12 years old. Where I am from, it is culturally unacceptable to engage in homosexual activity of any kind. In fact, people have been seriously hurt and even killed because of their sexual orientation.

Now, while my parents did not raise me and my siblings to hate anyone for any reason, it was still acceptable for us to be disapproving of homosexuals. No one was going to reprimand us because we didn't like gay people.

There was a time in my life when I openly showed my disapproval and even disdain for homosexuals. This was simply a part of my conditioning. This remained the case until about my mid-twenties when I began working in New York City and experiencing different people and cultures.

Gradually I became more open and tolerant. It was not until I started working for L'Oreal USA in 2003 though that the flood gates really opened. I was suddenly working in an environment where homosexuality was not only tolerated, it was the norm. No one cared about sexual orientation.

I had never really looked back on who I was; at this point in my life I was much more open and tolerant of all individuals. I had read so many books, been to so many places and met so many different people that I had already started to believe that it is ok to be who you are… no matter who you are. You're perfect just the way you are.

The defining moment in all this came one day when I was talking to a group of colleagues and friends and the subject of homosexuality came up. For the most part, the group I was with was not tolerant of homosexuality and wondered how I could work with people who are homosexuals.

It was in this moment, I realized what a HYPOCRITE I had been. Here I was, not only working with homosexuals but many of them were now people I count among my friends. This knowing not only how I used to be but also that I was once a target of intolerance. When I first came to this country, I was frequently the target of racism and indifference. And in true hypocritical form, I had visited this same intolerance and indifference on others because they were different from me.

Yes, I said it – I was a hypocrite indeed!

Today, I no longer hang out with people whom I know are intolerant of anyone just because they are different. I am proud to count all my friends as my friends regardless of whom they are or whom they choose to love. I am blessed with many friends from all different walks of life and for that I am eternally grateful.

This was one of my most powerful lessons in personal change.

Powerful Lesson #5: Do it my way – Hard Knock PhD

If I had to measure my life by the degrees on my wall, I'd have to say I have what I refer to as a PhD in Hard Knocks. This is the corner stone to my personal journey.

While I was a good student – at times even a great student – I decided early on in my undergrad years to forego school and become a student of life. In this vein, I left school after I received my 2-year degree from Kingsborough Community College.

In my gut, I just knew that I wanted more right now and for me, school was not providing what I was thirsting for. It was around this time in my life that I first began my passionate pursuit of personal growth and development.

Hard Knock PhD refers to the numerous and invaluable life lessons I have learned since then. These are the lessons that molded me into the man I am today. I would not be where I am without these lessons.

Through the lessons that life has taught me, I have been able to accomplish many of my goals and achieve success in many ways. I have been able to work on Wall Street and Main Street holding numerous management positions.

There is absolutely nothing special about dropping out of school; however, there is definitely something special in following your spirit. In other words, I did it my way – I used what works for me to achieve the goals that I've set.

It was hard at first to accept the road I'd chosen; I had many harsh critics. My dad was not at all pleased with my decision. In fact, for years, there was this open-ended cliffhanger as to whether or not I'd return to school. It was not until I recognized why I chose to do what I did that it instantly became a breeze. Once I was ok with why I chose to do things the way I did, the rest was simply a matter of choice and execution. There was nothing I couldn't do. Even when many people said NO, I remained positive and in almost every case proved the naysayers wrong.

The bottom line in this lesson of personal change is that while life may bring you many hard knocks, you can keep moving forward as long as you learn from them. One of the greatest assets that I have always had in my arsenal is the power to recognize the lessons of life and learn from them.

Let me put it like this…

While many people put so much stock in the fact that I do not have an undergraduate degree, I never let that fact hold me back.

When I got my job on Wall Street, many naysayers couldn't believe it. When I started working at the top beauty company in the world, many naysayers couldn't believe that either. When I made the seemingly insurmountable leap within this same prestigious company from Finance to Marketing… most were stunned to say the least. In fact, what I was told when I expressed my interest in marketing was that "it simply doesn't happen – no one jumps from Finance to marketing."

Well, I am living proof that it not only can happen – it did happen.

Again, I am not special because I did these things… I am pointing out these examples to help drive the lesson home that life is what you make it not the other way around. I found a way to get where I needed to go by adding value in the best way I knew how. I am a constant student of life and therefore I have become keenly aware of what others need and whenever and wherever I can, I help them get it.

Powerful Lesson #6: Whose story is it anyway?

This lesson comes from one of my great friends and mentor, Ann Mincey. She's been integral to my personal growth and development over the years and I cherish her friendship and guidance.

I first met Ann at a company function in the spring of 2006 (I think ). Although I had heard about her I had never had the opportunity. Also, I was a tag-along to a function I wasn't even officially invited to. This was already a great story in the making.

In any case, when Ann Mincey finally walked through the doors, she made a B-line straight for me. She politely introduced herself and then simply asked "So what's your story and what brought you to us?" I was taken aback for a moment and then realized she was actually waiting for me to respond. She was serious… she wanted to hear my story.

So, I told her and she replied "Thank you and welcome to our family." She followed that up with the most heartwarming hug I had ever received from a stranger. Well, I'm not so sure she was still a stranger by the end of our conversation because that hug made me feel like part of her family.

You see, that is Ann's greatest gift in my view – to make others instantly feel loved like part of her family. She was genuinely interested in me… my story.

This is the moment when I realized how important it is not to project our stories unto others. I learned that in order to truly be of service to others, you must genuinely want to hear and understand their story so that you know how to truly help them.

Ann is my dear friend and I credit her with this powerful lesson in my personal change.

Powerful Lesson #7: Slow your roll

Sometimes you just have to know when to pump your brakes and take a step back. Look at the landscape and understand the terrain before you go charging in.

After accepting a management position in sales, I was charged with ideas of how to grow the business. I was so gong-ho and so driven that I forgot that there were other people with ideas who had been there long before I arrived.

Of course, in true Dean fashion, I charged in full blast trying to get it all done with lots of energy and enthusiasm. Boy were those first few months painful. I was often left wondering "what's going on here? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?"

All my intentions were good and some of my ideas were pretty good too but I was getting nowhere fast. What the hell was I missing? A screw or two as it turned out.

After a few months of running into a brick wall, one of my team members took me aside and said "Dean, you're great and you have great ideas but you're trying too hard." What's worse is that you're not including anyone else in your plans – you're alienating the most important people, our clients."

All I could think to myself was – DUH!

Here I was busy trying to change the world and I didn't have a clue what our clients were thinking or what they really wanted. I was ready to tell them how we're going to do it; however, I wasn't listening to what they wanted to do.

Of course, after this intervention by my teammate (Thank you Elika), it wasn't hard to see what was wrong with my approach. Once I recognized and changed it and started listening to our client's needs, a lot of things started to go much more smoothly. In fact, with this particular group, our team has a very strong bond and we often achieve results that exceed expectations. All I had to do was slow my roll – another powerful lesson in personal change.

I could probably share some more stories from my experience and I am sure you can think of some from your own. The bottom line is that I truly hope that you got something out of this – I hope that some of my experiences help to put yours in perspective.

I can say with certainty that I have enjoyed my journey; all of these experiences and many more have been great teachers for me. As I continue to learn and grow, I am sure there will be many more to come.

Here's to your greatness and your own Personal Change journey.

 

From Dean's Library

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