No matter whom you are or what you do, if you do not learn
how to communicate effectively, the quality of your life will suffer. This is a
fact!
I say that because through my training and experience over
the years, I have discovered that the quality of my communication ultimately
determines the quality of my life. The more effective you are at getting your
message across to others, the better the results you will yield. The clarity
and quality of your written, verbal and visual communication will always have a
tremendous impact on your ability to achieve the results you desire.
It is extremely important that you grasp this concept sooner
rather than later so that you can begin putting the correct communication
principles into practice. If you find that you are constantly having to answer
the same questions or repeatedly clarifying your position – there is clearly an
issue with your communication. Understanding the elements of effective
communication and applying them religiously will undoubtedly increase your
ability to consistently achieve your goals.
Now that I have raised your awareness to this crucial
element of your personal growth – here’s the good news. It’s not rocket science
by any stretch; you have the ability to discover, learn and apply the
principles of killer communication skills that will ultimately help you to
consistently achieve the results YOU
desire.
Following are my best insights on becoming a killer
communicator; these are the 7 Keys to
Killer Communication Skills.
Key #1: It’s
not about you
All killer communicators understand that the most important
person in any line of communication is the person receiving the message. This
means that you must relay your message in a manner that is easy to understand
by the receiving parties.
Your focus when you are the messenger has to be on the needs
of your audience; what’s in it for them. This is a good way to ensure that what
is heard is received as you intended. Too often, we forget that communication
is about others thereby putting way too much emphasis on ourselves and our
needs. What usually happens in cases such as those is we lose the audience and
the intended message gets skewed.
Whenever you are ready to put a message together, think
first about the receiving party; imagine you are in his/her shoes and compose
your message so that it relates to him/her on a familiar level.
If you are communicating with someone for the first time,
the best thing you can do is ask questions that help you discover the best
communication style/method for this person. Not everyone receives information
in the same way or at the same speed – different strokes for different folks.
Additionally, be sure to remove your ego from the equation
when you communicate with others – it’s not about you. Unless you grasp this
simple concept, your ego will continue to get the best of you and your
communications will often go awry. You cannot develop killer communication
skills unless you put others first.
Key #2: Be
transparent
This is a crucial element in developing your communication
skills. You have to be upfront about your objectives and expectations. Are you
simply disseminating information or are you asking for something? You must be
clear about the results you want and your motives.
Killer communicators know that it is imperative that goals
are clear to all parties in the line of communication. Each link in the chain
must be crystal clear on what is expected of it otherwise, your ends will not
be met. Transparent communication demands that there are no hidden agendas. If
there are things that will come to light later that your audience does not need
to know at the time of your communication – by all means say so.
Some scholars may disagree with me on this point; however,
in my experience I have never known transparency to hamper or erode by
communications with others. I have also not known it to impede or damage the
desired results. In fact, I have always found that the desired result is
achieved with more efficacy and speed.
People commit more quickly and are more accountable when
they know the deal upfront. People value honesty and so should you when you
communicate. If there are things that you are not at liberty to say – be sure
to let your audience know that. The most important thing for them is that they
know you value and respect them. Transparency earns you the right to speak to
your audience and have them reciprocate with action.
You have no idea how powerful this practice can be until
you’ve tried it – you will see immediate and positive results.
Key #3:
Listen actively
Active listening requires first that you genuinely want to
hear what the receiving party has to say. When you communicate with others it
is vital that you understand that they have understood your message and what
actions to take next. This means that you have to ask for clarification and
then listen – truly listen – to the response.
All killer communicators are active listeners. They
acknowledge others’ concerns and take the necessary steps to overcome any
objections. When you listen actively, you are not only listening to what is
being said but also to what is not. This is why it is important that your heart
and mind are open to hearing the message coming back at you.
The goal of active listening is to clear up
misunderstandings and clarify action steps and expectations. This is an element
you do not want to skip when you communicate because if there are any
misunderstandings, they will undoubtedly surface in the results you achieve.
The same is true for confusion about what to do next and expectations; if your
audience is not clear on this, how will they make the right decisions – take
the appropriate actions?
Active listening
requires you to do 3 things:
- Deliver
your message and then ask your audience if it makes sense – if they are
clear
- Listen
to the response you get – listen with an open heart and mind – be genuine
- Respond
by overcoming any objections and/or clarifying next steps and expectations
– then go back to #1 and repeat until you are all on the same page
Chances are very good that if you follow this process, you
won’t have to repeat it often before clarity is achieved.
Key #4: Say
what you mean
Say what you mean to say – don’t dance. When you beat around
the bush, you leave way too much room for error and confusion. Killer
communicators don’t dance unless they are at a party.
Don’t be afraid to say exactly what you mean. You don’t have
to be a jerk about it when what you mean to say might be deemed as ugly;
however, as sensitively as you can, you still need to spell it out. Don’t mince
words with your audience if you want to be a killer communicator.
Surely, there is a certain amount of finesse that comes with
delivering ugly messages without making them sound so ugly but that will have
to be another article. For now, stick to what’s true for you and learn to live
with the consequences. It is always better to lay it on the table as it is or
as you see it than to make stuff up. When you manufacture words and add fluff,
the real message is stifled which means your results will suffer the same fate.
Your best course is to simply say what you mean to say. If
need be, just ask your audience for permission to be brutally honest. This way
it shows that you care about and value them. It seems like an easy thing;
however, in my experience this is one of the hardest things for many people to
do. Yes, it is a simple concept to grasp – just a hard discipline to master.
Once you are able to do it though, your communication skills will improve
drastically.
Key #5: Be
responsible
One of the worse things you can do as a communicator is to
be irresponsible for what you say. Killer communicators live by the code “the buck stops here.” You must be
responsible for your words – don’t pass the buck to the other guy.
One of my mentors and friend, Chris, taught me this motto
“communication is the response you get.” Simply put, it is your responsibility
as a killer communicator to make sure that your audience receives your message
in a clear and succinct manner. You are responsible for the message you deliver
and also whether or not it is understood.
If for whatever reason the results are not what you expect,
the responsibility of those results is yours. You do not pass the buck to the
person who misunderstood or whom was confused about next steps and
expectations. If you had done your job of communicating effectively, the
results would have been different – more to your liking. If they are not, you
obviously missed a step and you need to go back and fix it.
I know what some of you are thinking – how can I control
what someone else does? Obviously you can’t but that’s not the point. The point
is that if you want to be a killer communicator, learn to accept the fact that
the buck must stop with you. If for some reason you are unable to reach someone
in your communication or the person refuses to be open to your message then you
have the right to decide to stop communicating with this person.
Furthermore, you can always reduce your expectations of
others without lowering your standards. You do not blame others for
miscommunication when you delivered the message no matter what. You always look
at you and then decide how best to proceed.
Is it still a bit much to swallow? Let me put it another way.
If you were training a dog to guard your home and each time
you gave the attack command, the dog simply rolled over and went to sleep. How
long would you continue to train that dog before you got rid of him? Sure you
could sit around all day blaming the dog for being a no good mutt but you still
wouldn’t have a guard dog.
Are you getting the picture? Good – let’s move on.
Key #6: Value
accountability
All killer communicators understand that effective
communication requires accountability from those receiving your message. As
long as you are practicing all the keys, there is no reason you should not
expect audience accountability. This is of high value when it comes to
improving your communication skills.
Whether your audience has to take action or not, their
accountability lies in the expectations that you have agreed upon between
communicator and audience. If your job as the communicator is to be responsible
for holding your audience accountable then it is their job to be accountable
and to expect you to hold them to it.
Of course you cannot force anyone to be accountable – your
goal is simply to be able to call people out when they are not. Notice that I
didn’t say embarrass – agreements allow you to remind others (gently) of what
you agreed to. This is how you decide where to focus your energies so that you
neither waste other peoples’ time nor yours. One reason why so many people spin
their wheels when communicating is that they continue to communicate with the
same (wrong) people and expect to achieve a different result. This is insanity
and it drives people nuts.
If you are communicating (presenting) to a large group – 20
or more – I have found it easiest to just ask for accountability. Based on the
nature of the presentation and the way you set it up in your introduction, you
can simply ask them if they are willing to play. Once they’ve agreed, you will
have no trouble reminding them of the rules of the game and garnering
compliance.
Value accountability and have the courage to hold people to
it once they’ve agreed. Effective communication requires – demands –
accountability from the receiving party and all killer communicators know it.
Key #7: Know
when to shut up
There are so many clichés that I can use here to drive this
point home. I have heard before “Why do you think that God gave you two ears
and one mouth?” I have also heard “Sometimes it is better to be thought of as a
fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
Both of these really sum up the point of not only why it is
important to listen but also when to be silent. I still struggle with the
latter of these practices. Knowing when to shut up is vital to improving your
communication skills. Often times because of assumptions and preconceptions, we
do not shut up long enough to give others a chance to respond to us. We tend to
want to answer for them.
Killer communicators are masters at knowing when silence is
golden and they practice this discipline religiously. The best insight I can
offer on this is to simply pause and give others a chance to steal the thunder.
Believe me; other people want to hear themselves talk just as much as you do.
Besides, the more you let others talk, the more you will learn if you are
listening actively. This will help you make wiser decisions about your
communication with others.
So in a nutshell – learn to shut up – let others talk – it’s
not about you – it’s about them – so just throw them the ball and open up your
ears like a big hoop.
FAQ
Whenever I
have delivered this presentation or talked with others about how to become a
highly effective communicators, I always get this question.
Dean, can
anyone become a highly effective communicator? I’m going to answer that
question here for you because I know some of you will ask.
Here’s the
deal…
Those who
ask this question usually fear that they can’t do it and usually, they are
exactly right. The sad truth is that most people cannot achieve Killer
Communicator level and even worse, most won’t even try. The majority of
individuals will, in most cases, opt for the “flight or fight” approach to
communication; both of which kills communications.
You might
also find that many people don’t agree with me on how to achieve this. I don’t
much care whether you believe me or not – the fact is that these principles
work and always have. That’s how principles are – unfailing and unchanging; you
may categorize the keys differently; however, the results will be the same when
put into practice.
The short
answer is NO – not anyone can become a highly effective communicator; however,
I believe that most intelligent and open-minded people can. Unfortunately, we
are in short supply of that species on this planet. I dare you – NO I double
dare you to take the challenge! 
