Powerful Principles of Personal Growth

7 Keys to Building Successful Relationships

I believe that the single most important thing you can do in this physical existence is to make as many meaningful connections as possible. It has been my experience that the most powerful and significant experiences happen through relationships. Relationships are the glue of the universe – they hold everything together.

If you are not building successful relationships – making meaningful connections in your life, you are not pursuing your potential. You will never achieve the best of you until you make this a priority in your life.

There are in fact three possible stages to our existence – most of us only experience two of them; however, a few experience all three. If your goal is to achieve at the highest level, you must endeavor to reach all three.

The first is Dependence – from the time we are born and up to adulthood, we are dependent on our parents, teachers, etc. for our needs.

The second is Independence – as we grow older, we begin to become more aware of our personal needs and also how to attain them for ourselves. This is the stage where most people stagnate – some even believing that this is the peak of personal growth and development. This is not so.

The third is Interdependence – independent people who are secure in themselves seek out and learn how to work effectively with others. These people are the leaders among us. They understand that in order to achieve at the highest level we must form relationships with others – we must work together to achieve the best results.

This is not to say that you should not work independently – I mean there is no one else helping me to type this article. What I am saying is that learning how to work with others effectively is the pinnacle of excellence. Connection with others leads to more creativity, innovation and greatness than working alone. Forming successful relationships make a significant difference.

Whether personal or professional, there are certain basic elements that work in developing successful relationships. Of course you do not use the same language with your spouse as you would with a business partner. The goal of this article is to arm you with 7 Keys to Building Successful Relationships.

Key #1 – Trust

Without trust relationships are automatically in jeopardy. Trust is the foundation upon which all relationships are built. It may take a lifetime to build up trust but it only takes a moment to shatter it. It is the most important ingredient in a relationship and also the most fragile.

This is why trust is earned over time and continues to build throughout the relationship. Each person involved must be able to trust that you will speak the truth and that you will do what you say you will do.

It is important that you understand that a relationship does not begin with trust, rather it is built on it. In other words the more deposits you make into the trust bank, the more interest you will gain and the more open the other person will become. With each truth that you tell and each deed fulfilled as promised, your trust account will automatically increase.

The caveat is that with only one – misstep – one unfulfilled promise – your trust account could decrease significantly and in some cases completely wiped out.

This does not mean that you cannot make mistakes – these are ok as long as you deal with them appropriately which I will cover later. The point is to make sure that you say what you really mean and do the things you say you will do in order to build and maintain your trust account.

Key #2 – Purpose & Expectation

It is crucial that you know why you are building a relationship with someone. This will help you make better decisions about the things you say and the deeds you promise. When you know why you are in something, you tend to see things much more clearly.

Additionally, it is vital that you understand and know what the expectations are of the relationship. You need to know what to expect from the other person and also what is expected of you. Again, the clearer you are about this, the easier it will be to make the right decisions. One of the worse things that can happen in a relationship is having one party constantly expecting more and always receiving less.

Since purpose and expectation can change as the relationship evolves, it is imperative that you are constantly talking with each other about these. As you grow and change, you must communicate that to the other parties in the relationship so that you all remain on the same page.

This does not have to be a scheduled talk or meeting to discuss purpose and/or expectation. I am simply saying that you should know what you're getting into; I am also saying that when things change, and you'll notice if you're paying attention, you should talk about it.

Key #3 – Responsibility

Each person in a relationship has a responsibility to the other. You are each responsible for what you say and do. In successful relationships it is important that you own your words and your actions and any consequence that comes with them.

This means that when you say or do something that hurts the other person/people in the relationship, you must apologize. It must be genuine – don't do it just to do it. Own what you said or did and then make a heartfelt apology for having said or done it if in fact you did not mean to.

The other side of this could be that you meant to say what you said or do what you did and it might still hurt the other person/people in the relationship. In this case, you must again own what you said and apologize for the hurt you caused by what you said or did. Additionally, you are still responsible to also communicate that you did mean to say or do what you said or did and explain why.

While the others may not agree, they will certainly respect you for telling the truth albeit a hard one. This goes back to Key #1 – trust. You have to be truthful even when it hurts because everyone will be better off in the long run. Of course there is a certain level of sensitivity that goes along with telling hard truths so exercise prudence – do it with love and care. Just make sure that you don't sugar coat the truth.

Key #4 – Accountability

Just as with responsibility, each person in a relationship has accountability to the other. You are each accountable to live up to your words and follow through with your actions. Not only should you hold yourself accountable but each person in the relationship should hold the other accountable as well.

Accountability requires that you give an account of the results of your words and actions. Are you in fact living up to your words? Are your actions in line with what you said you would do?

If these two elements remain out of line without discussion and/or resolution, the relationship will suffer setbacks. If you are not accountable in your relationships, trust quickly goes out the window and purpose and expectation become meaningless.

Key #5 – Open Communication

You have probably heard how important open communication is in order to build successful relationships; the sad thing is most people still don't get it. Not to be harsh or anything; however, in my experience this is true.

Open communication means exactly that – open. It doesn't mean that you discuss every thing about your life with everyone you are building a relationship with. It does mean that you communicate without judgments and assumptions. No subjects, as they pertain to the nature of your relationships, should be taboo.

If you are truly communicating openly, each party must feel safe in expressing himself or herself to the other. Each person needs to believe and know that he or she will not be ridiculed or ostracized for how he or she feels and what he or she thinks. This is what it means to openly communicate.

Key #6 – Unconditional

Anything done on condition creates barriers and limitations. There are certain situations where this is warranted such as allowing convicted felons to receive visitation so long as visitors do not smuggle in contraband. If this happens the convict will lose his right to visitation. In such a case this is fair – a bit extreme of an example; however, it is important to be clear. 

In building successful relationships, all actions must be unconditional – they must come from a place of love and care. If you are on point with all the keys, this becomes a lot easier and perhaps even effortless. Love and support cannot flourish and thrive if they include conditions. If they do, this is more like bartering – I will do this if you will do that.

Unconditional means that what is important to you is important to me because you are important to me. If I believe this then I will love and support you in any way I can because I want you to be happy and I want you to succeed. Not because I will be happy and successful by doing it but simply because I know that you will be.

Unconditional also means that I will tell you the truth and at times refuse to support your ideas or actions if I truly believe that they are to your detriment. I will be able to do this if I have your best interest at heart. Loving and supporting you unconditionally means that I will act in your best interest at all times without expectation of any reward, recognition or compensation in return.

Key #7 – Give & Give

Contrary to popular belief, a successful relationship is not about give and take – it is about give and give. This falls right in line with key #6 – unconditional. In successful relationships, there is no give to get – there is simply GIVE.

The universal and natural law of Give and Receive says, the more you give, the more you will receive. Whether you expect it or not, you will receive it. The reason is that when you give unconditionally, the universe will respond unconditionally returning to you more than what you put out. This is a natural principle that exists in nature.

It stands to reason then that if you give only to get, you will receive very little because you have limited yourself. Without realizing it, you place limitations on your wealth by being stingy with your gifts. If you open your heart and give what you can without expectation, you will get much more in return.

We all receive what we believe and therefore if you believe that unconditional giving will produce abundance in your life, why not do it?

I know what some of you are thinking. What happens if I keep giving and giving in the relationship and I get nothing in return? This usually means one of two things. Either you are not holding the other party accountable or you are out of line on purpose and expectation.

If you want to build successful relationships, you must endeavor to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and do it unconditionally.

How to Use the Keys

Applying the above 7 keys will help you more easily determine where to focus your energies in building successful relationships. Additionally, it is a guide to help you discern whether or not you desire to build a relationship with someone. While forming connections with others is paramount in our personal growth, not everyone is ready or worthy of connecting with you at any given time.

Sometimes, you have to refrain or refuse to build a relationship with someone if your values are not in sync or your growth is hampered. There is no rule that says you can't walk away from a relationship if in fact you are not receiving any fulfillment from it. The point of all relationships is to help us grow and change for the better. If you are in any relationships that are not providing this for you, I have just one piece of advice – GET OUT NOW!

The 7 keys are meant for you to apply to those relationships that you believe in – the ones you know have potential for growth.

Just one more thing…

Personally, I have failed at all of these keys at different times and I have also succeeded at different times. I can say with certainty that it has been when these keys are in alignment that my relationships have flourished the most. In the times that they are not – well – I think you get the picture. 

Here's to your success in building successful relationships – I wish you all the best.

From Dean's Library

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Coping with Change

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Change is a constant occurrence that we must all deal with whether we desire to or not. Coping With Change then, is certainly a very important skill to develop and improve upon in order to be effective. Sadly, the vast majority of human beings on our little planet abhor change and fight feverishly to uphold the status quo. This is why so many of us are often frustrated by change and so affected by the effects of it.

The truth is that since change is a principle that is ever happening whether to you, around you or by you, it is essentially inevitable and everlasting. This being said, effective people understand that learning how to cope with changes is crucial to their success and helping others achieve success.

Furthermore, it has been my experience that a large portion of the frustration that comes with change has to do more with the ignorance of others in dealing with changes. Basically, many, many people are clueless in how to deal with changes. And quite frankly, most, if not all, of us suck at dealing with changes in different areas of our lives.

Of course, this is not all bad since anyone has the capacity to learn and understand how to deal with change.

The goal of this article is to outline for you the most effective habits in coping with change in a practical manner. I am not saying that you will always deal with change effectively – BUT – I am saying that when you process and apply these 6 habits, you will virtually achieve the results you desire every single time.

Coping with change involves two main elements; the process and the application. The first 3 habits help you understand how to process change and the second 3 habits help you understand how to apply change.

Habit #1: Seek Change

Most people do a lot of talking about change but most do very little to facilitate change. Highly effective people understand the importance of constantly seeking change; they understand that only through change can you grow.

This means that seeking change is vital to your personal growth; unless you are willing to change, there can be no growth. The first step in coping with change is to first be a part of the group who seeks to change.

It doesn't mean that you should flip flop on your core values and beliefs but rather seek out and affect the type of changes that exemplify them and strengthen you in your convictions. Additionally, in the pursuit of change, you will often come to see the world more openly and any update to your core values and beliefs will most certainly be positive – this is organic evolution at its finest.

Habit #2: Accept Change

The second habit in coping with change is accepting it for better or worse. Sure, it is easy to accept change when the change is the one you want. More importantly though, it is key to learn how to accept even those changes that you don't necessarily like or approve of.

Accepting change does not mean that you condone or support it; however, it does mean that you acknowledge it and make choices accordingly. The biggest mistake that most people make when they face changes they do not want is to ignore them and then act as if they do not exist. Unfortunately, this ignorance does not negate the effect of the change; more often than not though, people end up frustrated, disappointed and/or hurt because of their own ignorance.

When you truly accept change – you accept it all. You endeavor to see the whole and then make choices to deal with it accordingly. Even if you decide for whatever reason to stand apart from change – you still choose to acknowledge its occurrence and therefore do not remain ignorant.

Let me put it this way…

We shed skin, lose hair, we live, we die a physical death and up to 150 species go extinct every single day. All of this is inevitable change and whether you are aware of it or not, they still happen. Getting the picture? Good… let's move on then…

Habit #3: Embrace Change

The third habit in coping with change is to embrace it. Truly successful individuals practice this relentlessly because they understand that this is how you become a true scholar of growth. When you can embrace change, you are able to learn all there is to learn from it.

Have you ever heard the cliché "everything happens for a reason?" Well, it is true and truly successful people believe it and this is why they endeavor to embrace change – ALL CHANGE.

Again, it doesn't mean that you condone or support the change – it just means that you not only accept it but you are open to it without judgment. Judgments are automatic blockers to learning because they close you off in the most profound ways. It is extremely difficult to learn anything new when you come to the class with preconceived notions. This is because for the most part, you have already made up your mind about the outcome and therefore you are unable to see beyond your own ignorance.

You can only take advantage of knowledge to the degree that you are aware of it. Essentially, if you do not know all that is available, it is impossible to use all that is available.

The embrace of change is the fertilizer for creativity and imagination that sparks the greatest change.

Furthermore, it is important to point out that we all have varying perceptions and views and that the greatest discoveries are made by seeing the world through the eyes of another. This being said, in embracing change, it is paramount that you also embrace the changes and/or differences in your fellowman. Instead of ostracizing people for being different, include them because of it so that you can learn from each other. This is the epitome of embracing change.

These 3 habits help you to PROCESS change. Practice them and you will undoubtedly see profound and positive improvement in coping with change.

Habit #4: Embody Change

The fourth habit in coping with change is to embody it. This habit is only applied when you do in fact condone and support the change. Regardless of how you become aware of the change, you choose to follow it because it aligns with your core values and beliefs.

In this case, it is important that you first consult your inner compass to make sure that this change is aligned with the things you believe in – with things that are most important to you. Then and ONLY then should you embody any change. Even if this new change takes you off your original course, in my experience, it is best to go with it if it is in alignment with your core values and beliefs.

Habit #5: Epitomize Change

As Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world." This is what it means to epitomize change. It is vital that you lead by example – that you are the epitome of the changes you want to see around you. When you are the epitome of change, coping with change becomes so much simpler because you can more easily make choices to deal with changes.

In other words, whether you stand apart from or embody change, your choices are clear based on your core values and beliefs and the types of changes you exemplify. Also, you become a lot less frustrated by the changes others make that you do not like when you are a living example of the changes you wish to contribute to the world. It's harder to knock others for their voice when you too have your own.

Habit #6: Affect Change

Habit #5 and #6 go hand-in-hand when it comes to coping with change. For once you epitomize the changes you wish to see around you, your circle of influence grows automatically and much more rapidly. People tend to follow those who have a strong and focused voice with substance to support it as opposed to a loud mouth complainer without a backbone.

Truly successful people understand that in order to create the best changes, the enrollment of others is important – it is crucial. They are proactive and they understand that "proactive people always affect changes while reactive people are always affected by changes."

In affecting change, you aim to impart your knowledge and wisdom onto others only in an effort to make them better in some way. This is not about power and control – it is about making others better for having known you. The moment it becomes about anything else, it is corrupt and no longer valid.

Additionally, when you are an affecter of change, it means that you do not stand around and wait for an invitation to do what you feel in your heart is right. Regardless of what the masses are doing, as a change agent, you must endeavor to do what is necessary to achieve the results you desire. No matter what, you have to be willing to stand your ground.

Essentially, you must be willing to stand on your core values and beliefs even if you stand alone – this is how you affect change. When you are convicted, confident, and exemplary and you clearly know where you are going, others will soon follow. You need not worry about finding others to join the cause; they will undoubtedly find you because that is what people do when they need a leader. Just remember that leaders lead from the front and not from the back.

Ever seen those epic war movies? Where was the king? That's right – usually leading the charge and not standing behind a curtain pretending to be some all-knowing wizard barking orders at the troops.

These 3 habits help you to APPLY change. Practice them and you will undoubtedly see profound and positive improvement in coping with change.

 

 

 

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Barriers to Effective Communication

Effective Communication is a skill that is essential to your success; it can often mean the difference between success and failure in any endeavor. So many projects, in my experience, have fallen to pieces because of poor communication.

This website is filled with many articles that cover various aspects of communication; however, the goal of this article is to address specifically some significant and common barriers to effective communication.

We all communicate in many ways; even at times when we do not realize we are, we're still communicating. The 4 main forms of communication are reading, writing, speaking and listening. Of course, there are many factors that go into the elements that hinder these efforts. We spend more than 75% of our waking hours doing one or a combination of these methods of communicating. This is the reason it is so important to understand the main impediments to your efforts.

Following are 4 key things that most individuals fail to understand which in turn hinders their communication efforts.

1. How to communicate

Most people often do not know how to communicate or were not taught how to do so. This can take many avenues in ignorance such as which medium to use. Sometimes the efficacy of your message could fizzle depending on what medium you choose to convey it. In other words, some things are better said in person rather than via phone or e-mail. Depending on the nature of your message, you have to discern the best method.

Furthermore, may people communicate from a standpoint of ego; they want to be the one who knows the most so they either communicate in part or deliberately withhold pertinent information that would better serve the whole. This way of presenting you message focuses on ego whereby the initiator not only wants to seem more important than he/she is but also shield himself/herself from looking foolish.

The point is that the way you communicate effectively is by being genuine and forthcoming. You endeavor to remove ego and put others first instead of yourself. Realize that it isn't about you; it is about the recipient(s) and it is for them to get the message.

2. Why you communicate

This might seem simple; however, it is almost always overlooked in the fine art of communication. It is important to understand why you are writing/saying what you are or reading/listening to what you are. Unless you know why, maintaining and/or obtaining any significant level of commitment on any call-to-action will be extremely difficult.

The "why" is the fuel for passion and focus which can make your message significantly more effective than it otherwise would be. The bottom line is that if you don't know why you are doing something, you are either satisfied with being a lamb led to slaughter, simply upholding the status quo and accepting mediocrity or you lack your own voice. In any case, it amounts to the same thing, confusion and disarray among the ranks.

3. From where you communicate

This is an element that escapes most; they do not understand just how crucial this is in communicating effectively. One of the most important elements of communication is authenticity. The fact is that if you are not 100% genuine in your communication, the response you get will be likewise.

In other words as one of my great teachers puts it, "Communication is the response you get."

This is to say that you should always communicate from the heart guided by your conscience – your spirit. This makes it easier to take responsibility for what you write and say because you believe it to be true and righteous at your core. It doesn't mean that you have to think this deeply at every exchange – just that you are aware that unless you are authentic, any response you receive will be likewise tainted. Even if you get what you want in the short-run, you most certainly will not be able to sustain it in the long-run.

4. When to communicate

This is as crucial an element as any of the others and in many cases, the most crucial of all. I will simply go with another one of my great teachers' analogy.

Francis Cole Jones, author of the bestseller How To Wow recommends the H.A.L.T. method of knowing when to communicate. The acronym basically means, refrain from communicating when in any of the following 4 states:

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lazy, or
• Tired

The point is that in any of these states, you are much less equipped with the wherewithal to communicate effectively. In these states you are more liable to write or say something that you'll regret later – sometimes immediately after release. Ever had one of those moments?

Furthermore, you certainly will not be in any condition to read or listen; hence you will be less likely to grasp the real and full message.

Additionally, it is important to know when to simply listen without responding. Most people still don't understand that listen is a method of communicating and sometimes that's all you need do. In fact, unless you are dealing with a child, people will most often give you queues or outright permission to offer advice or opinion. So, unless you are the initiator, listening without response is ok unless you are invited to do so. This is a good rule of thumb.

Once you have understood these hindrances, it will be easier for you to overcome the barriers to effective communication.

 

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Killer Series: 7 Steps to Killer Networking Skills

Networking has long been one of the most important things you can do to increase your visibility and influence. Individuals who have developed strong networks tend to almost always get ahead faster and more efficiently than those who do not.

Sure, it takes more than a strong network to achieve at high levels; however, a strong network provides a lot more opportunities for you to make your mark. In fact, while book-smarts can often be very important in your success – it is much more difficult to hit your goals without a strong network. On the other hand, if you have a strong network – you can succeed at the highest levels even without book-smarts. That, I guess, makes Killer Networking more like street-smarts.

In my experience, having a strong network has proven to be one of the most crucial elements in my successes. In fact, I give great credit to where I am now to the incredible network that I have been able to develop and continue to cultivate. A very significant part of my pursuit of personal growth and excellence includes killer networking. Developing this skill, I believe, is absolutely necessary for you to achieve at the highest levels.

Following are the 7 steps to killer networking skills that once mastered will undoubtedly help you improve in your personal growth and rapidly move the needle closer to your goals.

1. Be proactive

The first rule of thumb in networking is that you have to do something; nothing happens unless you make it happen. Sitting around and hoping that you get the opportunity to meet the right people at the right time is a fool's folly.

In fact, the very core of networking is that you are constantly in the mode of connecting with others. If you are not moving towards others, you're not truly seeking to expand your circle.

To be proactive as a skilled networker means that you understand that you are 100% responsible for taking the steps necessary to make meaningful connections. Individuals with highly developed skills in this art are always seeking to collaborate with others who are going somewhere – adding value – doing things that make a difference.

So in a nutshell – get off your ass-ets and do something. 

2. Study the landscape

While you are being proactive, it is crucially important to know with whom you are dealing. Whenever you seek to network with others, it is important that you understand who they are and what they are about. Simply stepping into the arena and not know your audience almost always proves to be an amateur's move.

Studying the landscape will ensure that you know just what makes the people you seek to connect with tick. At the very least, you should understand their interests and know their accomplishments. Also, it is a very good idea to look for commonalities either in personality or experiences. The bottom line is it can only help you if you can decipher different ways you can actually connect with others in a meaningful way.

When I say study the landscape – I don't mean for manipulative purposes. What I mean is that once you know your audience, you can find truly authentic and more impactful ways of making a connection.

Killer networkers are avid researchers; they are constantly looking for common ground on which to play with others. The fact is that they understand that the more relative and level you can make the playing field, the greater your chances of hitting a home run in the networking arena.

So, do your homework before you dive into the pond to play with the big fishes.

3. Act with purpose

When it comes to networking, Killer Networkers only move with a mission. They know precisely these 4 things:

1. What they are going to do
2. Why they are going to do it
3. How they are going to do it
4. When they are going to do it

There are no accidents in the purpose-driven life of killer networkers. Acting with purpose means that unless you have a plan for the connection you seek to make – you don't move on it.

Certainly, there are times when things will happen spontaneously; however, these moments are the exception and not the rule. At times like that you simply act in a manner that feels right to you and live with the consequences of your actions. Besides, you're not simply giving to get – you're just being a good human being.

So, don't move unless you can answer the 4 questions above and then put some pep in your step.

4. Seek to help

This is one the most missed principle in the art of killer networking. Killer networkers truly believe in helping others. In fact, it is the nucleus of why they network in the first place. Sure, there is a very public agenda to advance in your own dreams and goals; however, there is a clear understanding of how powerful it is when you simply help others achieve their dreams and goals.

Killer Networking requires that you genuinely seek to help others. That means that you deliberately seek to understand the desires of others and then apply your true gifts and talents to help them achieve the results they desire.

Most people, when they attend a networking event, go with one purpose – to hand out as many business cards as possible and talk about how great they are. This is utterly useless – not to mention obnoxious. Does anyone else find this person or annoying or is it just me?

If you truly want to improve your networking skills – take it to the highest level – seek to genuinely help others achieve their dreams and goals. Find ways to be of great value to others and they will never forget you for that. In fact, they will automatically become your biggest cheerleaders.

The networkers who only talk about themselves and their perceived greatness come off as the type who don't need cheerleaders because they've already got it all. No one needs to talk about these people because according to them they are all set – NOT!

So, remember, killer networkers truly seek to help others achieve their dreams and goals.

5. Keep your word

This is so important! The truth is this is not only the quickest and most effective way to grow your influence – not doing it is the quickest way to shrink your circle. All killer networkers know that it is imperative that they keep their word.

If you say that you are going to do something – do it. Don't over exaggerate your influence and be sure to under-promote and then over-deliver. When you keep your word, you deposit into the truest bank account. The more deposits you make the more willing others become to help you out when you need it. Again, the more trustworthy you are the more cheerleaders you are going to have and the faster your network explodes.

When you develop a circle of trust around you in your network; other people clamor to get into it. Your word is your bond – it means everything. If you can't keep your word, you might as well quit networking right now because all your efforts will be in futility.

Just think about how you feel when others don't deliver on what they say they will. Do you continue a fruitful relationship with such individuals or entities? Of course not – even on a second chance to make good, we move very cautiously.

So, keep your word and watch your network explode beyond your wildest dreams.

6. Stay in touch

One of the most important things you can do to maintain your network is to stay in touch on a regular basis. This takes effort and commitment and you must be willing to do it in order to yield the best results.

Killer networkers are masters at follow up and staying in touch. Often times they tend to call unexpectedly but somehow right at the most needed times. So often I call people where they say to me "Dean, I am so glad you called me today. I really needed to hear that."

Not only does that feel really great to hear that you were able to make somebody's day but also, people remember these moments forever. They never forget what you did.

For instance, one of my great mentors has a wife that suffered a heart attack and stroke. Of course this was an extremely difficult time for him. Now I don't know what his health plan is like but I do know it's the best of the best just because of whom he is and where he works.

With that said, I could just see the toll this was taking on him and I could only imagine what his wife was going through. I didn't really know if or how I could help him through this – I only know that I felt compelled to do something.

I didn't care about what he could and might do for me – I just really wanted to help. In that vein, I decided to send him an e-mail that outlined an alternative health care regimen for individuals who suffer heart attacks and strokes. It cost me nothing but a little time since I am a member of Natural Cures.com. I simply went to the website – looked up the info and sent it to him.

Needless to say, he has never forgotten this gesture nor do I think he ever will. The bottom line is he is one of my biggest cheerleaders and if I ever need anything at all, all I have to do is pick up the phone.

Now, you might think to yourself that this was a calculated move; however, authenticity is key in these situations. Our family truly does strive to live an organic, process-free life and we are constantly looking for alternative health regimens. What I sent to my mentor was literally a piece of my own life – it's how I care for my family.

The point is that regardless of what anyone might think – my gesture was genuine and he knows it. That is all that matters.

So, I realize that staying in touch and seeking to help could almost be one topic; however, it is important to understand that by staying in touch you get more chances to find genuine ways to help others. This is the quest of all killer networkers.

7. Ask for help

Of course, there is really no use having a vast network if you can't lean on them to help you achieve your own dreams and goals. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

It is only wrong when you use others to achieve your ends. In other words, if you only reach out to people for what they can do for you – that's called using. On the other hand, if you truly reach out to others to help them, there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

As a matter of fact, all killer networkers understand one very crucial thing about networking – you can't do it alone. Independence only yields good results; however, the greatest results are achieved through collaboration – synergy.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you truly need it. Other people feel empowered and more confident when you seek out their help. You can do a lot for others in helping them achieve significant strides in their own personal growth by simply reaching out to them for help.

While you should never look outwardly for validation – it is always nice to be recognized for your true gifts and talents. When you ask others for help, it is another way of affirming their unique gifts. It is a great way to say that I appreciate you and I need your help to achieve my goals.

So, don't forget to ask for help when you truly need it – no one will be mad at you for that as long as you remain genuine.

Master these 7 steps and you will undoubtedly catapult your networking skills to heights unimagined. Killer Networkers know and practice these 7 religiously and the results they achieve are the proof in the pudding.

 

  

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It’s Not You… It’s Me

What a burning shame

So many who know not what they do or say kicking dirt on my name

Their mean words penetrate

Making me feel tattered and battered; a mere patch of dried grass on which to defecate

Overcome by depression

As I wallow in my blinding ignorance unaware of the cause of my own futile aggression

Why can't I see?

That the only way to be free is to realize that it's not you… it's me

 

So terrible you wish me ill

Yet and still I am addicted to your barrage of verbal pain like a pill

Love me or love me not

I keep leaving me behind waiting to be defined by you because I think you're all I've got

I am simply not enough

But you're my one-stop shop for props to hold me up when times are rough

And in my ignorance of how to be

I just can't seem to understand that to be free, I have to realize that it's not you… it's me

 

Oh, what now?

Here comes another know-it-all telling me to turn my frown upside down

As if you truly know my plight

Or how the world always makes me feel like I can only exist in the modes of fight or flight

Eyes wide shut

I don't know whether I am in bliss or the abyss until you kiss me or punch me in the gut

Some say it's as easy as 1-2-3

But I just can't believe I'm already free; if only I would realize that it's not you… it's me

 

Tears trickle down my cheek

And still I protract the façade of being a victim of the system which keeps me weak

Sink or swim, stand or fall

I constantly live in the aftermath of my chosen path; my choice, my doing, my call

Hell today, Heaven tomorrow

It might feel strange but I can still change; choose sweet happiness and discard sorrow

Cliché though it may be

I'll never be truly free until I truly believe; I must realize that it's not you… it's me

 

~Ode to truly seeing you

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Mastering the Art of Conflict Resolution

In so many places around the globe conflict simultaneously corrode societies, divide people and in many cases define nations. It can be heartbreaking to see the misery and pain that these conflicts cause but even sadder are the day-to-day conflicts we face in our own little world.

Whether among family, friends or co-workers, I believe that we’ve all had to face conflict with someone else. While this article will not address conflict on world scale, it will present you with some insight on how to effectively resolve conflicts that you face in your life. The fact is that change begins with you and I do believe that the most effective way to change the world is one person at a time.

As one of my mentors always asks, “How do you eat an elephant?” To which the answer is always “One bite at a time.”

The Art of Conflict Resolution is grounded in natural laws – correct principles that hold true no matter what situation you face. They are simple in concept and they always work; however, they are not always easy to put into practice.

Following are 5 practices that will most certainly help you to become more effective at resolving conflicts you face no matter with whom. When these practices become habits, you will become a person of solution rather than conflict.

#1 – Accept the truth

One of the first things you must be willing to do is to accept all truths relating to and about the conflict you face. If you do not accept the truth, no solution you come up with will be a win/win because it will have been based on a false foundation.

Firstly, you must accept the truth about yourself. You must be willing to take an honest look at yourself and decipher what you might have done to create and/or escalate the conflict. If for whatever reason, you honestly don’t know what you have done then you must simply accept the possibility and probability that in all likelihood, you have done something that help to create and/or escalate the conflict. The fact that you may be unaware of what that is exactly is irrelevant – you only have to accept the possibility.

Secondly, you must also accept the truth about the other party to your conflict. Be honest about what he/she/they might have done to rub you the wrong way. Although difficult, you must also accept the possibility that he/she/they do not know that they have offended you in any way. In fact, this is often the case in most day-to-day conflicts; the parties are usually unaware of what really created or escalated it. They make many assumptions; however, once the truth comes out, the picture often looks quite different.

Thirdly, you must accept the truth of your situation. Can your situation truly improve without resolving this conflict? Will you be ok emotionally if this conflict continues? The more protracted the conflict, the harder it will be to get to the bottom of it.

It is important for you to accept the truth that unless you resolve this conflict as quickly as possible, you will be unable to move on with peace of mind.

If you can accept these truths and possibilities, you will be off to a great start.

#2 – Accept inevitable change

Change is a constant – it is an undeniable principle and yet so many of us refuse to do it even when all the evidence tells us it is the best course of action. The fact is that change is inevitable whether we are willing to accept it or not – it will happen with or without us. The only question you need to ask when things change is, “Will it be more valuable for all involved if I change too or if I stay my course?”

When it comes to conflict resolution; the fact that you have a conflict in the first place already tells you that any solution will involve change. In this vein, you must be willing to accept the fact that you may have to change some of the things you are doing in order for the situation to get better and ultimately succeed.

It is utterly useless talking to a party you have a conflict with about a resolution if you are unwilling to change your position or behavior. In fact, if you truly seek the best solution, you must be willing to see the world from the other party’s point of view. Unless you seek that “ah-ha” moment, it will be a much more arduous road to a resolution.

Change is inevitable, accept it otherwise your conflict will most certainly continue.

#3 – Accept no triangulation

One of the first, and most dangerous, things that many people do when they have a conflict with another is to involve a third party without consent. This almost always sends an already bad situation spiraling out of control into an abyss of confusion, blaming and dismay. I am hard-pressed to think of one situation where a conflict was successfully resolved by one party going behind another party’s back to involve a third party.

This is especially true when the third party you call on is of higher formal authority than the other party with which you have the conflict. You know what I mean – “I don’t like what you’re doing so I go tell your boss” kind of thing.

The best avenue to pursue when attempting to resolve a conflict is a direct one. Go directly to the source and keep the situation only between the conflicting parties. There are only 2 times when it is ok to triangulate a situation.

The first is when both conflicting parties agree that they need a mediator to help them resolve their issues. In that case both parties would consent and also agree on who the third party should be. This way, there are no surprises and no one feels ambushed.

The second is when one party refuses to participate in finding a resolution and in order to move on; your role requires that you inform others. For instance, in the case of a job, you may have a conflict with someone that is unwilling to talk or budge from his/her position thereby creating a roadblock. In this case it is totally fine to involve a third party as long as you inform the other party of your intent to do so. This way, again, there are no surprises and no one feels ambushed.

Aside from these 2 examples where triangulation is necessary and above board, in any other form it only serves to widen the void that the situation has created in the first place. Nothing good can come of any situation if one party feels betrayed or belittled. This course only makes the situation worse and moves you many more miles away from a true resolution.

#4 – Accept only win/win resolutions

In resolving conflicts, it is important that both sides come away feeling great about where you end up. If one side comes away feeling ok and the other feeling great – this, in my opinion and experience, is definitely not ok.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to negotiation or resolving conflicts is that they compromise or worse – they accept a win for one side and a loss for the other. Nothing fuels resentment more that this type of thinking and method of problem solving.

In conflict resolution, it is important to go in genuinely seeking a win/win resolution. You must endeavor to have both parties come away from the situation feeling great about where you end up. In fact, the best resolutions are the ones where both parties are able to come up with a resolution that is better than what either side proposed in the first place. Sure, it takes patience and commitment; however, it is much better in the long run and success is virtually guaranteed when you work in this mindset.

If you truly wish to resolve the conflicts you face and have them stay resolved, seeking win/win resolutions is the only way to do that. If one party feels slighted, it will eventually come back to haunt you and then you will have to do this dance all over again. If you can accept that the pinnacle of excellence comes from synergy, it will be much easier for you to seek nothing but win/win resolutions in all your conflicts.

#5 – Accept the possibility of impasse

This is by far, I believe, the hardest thing to do when it comes to conflict resolution. More often than not, it is difficult to walk away – even more so – the possibility is not even a consideration.

This is especially true when you have other entities of authority involved such as a corporate one where you are not the one charged with the responsibility of making the call to walk away from a situation that isn’t working.

The truth is though that this practice is a very powerful habit to develop. Even if you work in a corporate environment, you can still exercise this practice by simply going on record with your position.

Here it is in a nutshell…

When you find yourself in a conflict with no available solution that creates a win/win outcome, you must be willing to walk away without injury, resentment or malice. In this case you simply state that your truest wish was that you could come to a win/win resolution; however since it appears that you are unable to do so together at this time, the best avenue to pursue is to walk away. Who knows? Perhaps you can come together again at a future date in another endeavor.

The point is that when you treat the other party with this high level of respect and authenticity, you not only gain their trust but also preserve the relationship. In most cases, when you deal with an impasse in this manner, future endeavors become a lot easier to execute and the relationship grows stronger.

If you are in a situation where you are not the person who makes the decision to walk away, you can exercise this practice by stating your position but that you are willing to go along with the resolution in the best interest of your team. As long as the resolution does not violate your core values or diminish the value you bring to the table, do what you need to do to collect your paycheck.

This is a personal choice and I would not presume to tell anyone how to deal with it. If you can afford the luxury, you can also opt off a project that is not going down the road of win/win. In my experience, even in a corporate setting, I have found that you gain more respect and trust from your peers and superiors when you step up to the plate in this way.

In my view, when it comes to conflict resolution, it’s either win/win or walk away. We can come back to the table at a later date with other ideas on how to resolve this conflict or with a brand new project.

But hey – who cares what I think – right?

If you can turn these 5 practices into habits, you will master the Art of Conflict Resolution.

Happy resolving!

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How to Develop and Cultivate High Performance Teams

Have you ever watched a High Performance Team at work? Perhaps you have a favorite sports team that you consider high performing. Think about the New York Yankees or the 1991 Chicago Bulls – how awesome is it to watch these teams execute their game plan?

The truth is that truly successful individuals understand the importance of being a part of high performance teams. They understand that even though the ability to achieve effective results independently is important, the pinnacle of excellence lies in interdependence. True success comes from collaborating and working effectively with others.

High Performance Teams are like well-oiled machines where each part knows and plays its role while supporting the other parts in fulfilling their roles. This is not about simply being busy completing your assigned tasks; it is about the whole team performing well and understanding that each member of the team is accountable to all the others.

High Performance Teams are like a well choreographed dance routine; they work in harmonious fervor and execute with confidence and conviction. In a word High Performance Teams synergize.

So, how is done? How do you make sure you are on a high performance team? How does your current team measure up?

First, it is important to understand that most people are not nor have they ever been on a high performance team. The reason it is important to point this out is because it is vital that you raise your awareness to the reality – what actually happens.

Let me put it this way…

How many of you believe that the people in your organization have more talent, more passion, more creativity, and more tenacity that their current jobs require or even allow?

I can ask that question to almost any audience and in every case, the overwhelming majority will raise their hands in agreement. Most people really do feel this way about the organizations that they work for or the teams that they are a part of. With this information alone, it is safe to say that most people are not part of high performance teams.

You see, high performance teams utilize their team members in a way that the vast majority does not – they are tapped into the whole person. Where others may simply utilize a person’s mind and body, high performance teams tap into all 4 quadrants of a person – body, mind, heart and spirit.

They utilize what Dr. Stephen Covey calls – The Whole Person approach.

In order to develop and cultivate high performance teams, truly successful individuals work to ensure that the following 4 elements are engrained in each member of the team.

1.   Needs and/or Services

This represents how you satisfy the body of a team. It answers one of two questions with succinct clarity.

What physical needs of others does the team meet? What valuable services does the team provide that meet the needs of others?

High Performance Teams understand the importance of creating and distributing value to others, therefore they must serve a need. Since we live in a physical world, there are real physical needs that need to be met. There are many services that must be provided in order to meet a great many needs in the world.

High Performance Teams exercise discipline in meeting the needs or providing the services they have committed to. Each member of the team understands the goal, knows his/her role and holds each team member accountable to fulfilling his/hers. They execute the objective with focus and diligence.

The most important factor in fulfilling the needs or providing the services committed to is the global buy-in of the team. Every person on the team must buy into the goal otherwise; you cannot be a part of the team. If you have some that buy-in and others who do not, it will create chaos, dissention and half-assed results.

2. Vision and Mission

Vision and mission represent the mind of a team. What is the “big picture” goal of the team? It is vital that every team member understands and embodies the vision of the team. Once they understand the vision, the mission is born from it.

The most important thing to do where vision and mission are concerned is to make sure that each team member is involved in their creation. For huge organizations/teams where a vision already exists, it is important to make sure that each new team member is on board with the vision. This should be a direct question with the expectation of an honest answer. Of course whether they answer honestly or not will be easily tested down the road as their true mind will show up in their attitude, work ethic and the results they achieve.

As far as mission, it is imperative that every team member has a hand in it because the mission must also represent them. On very large teams, it is a good idea to conduct surveys and solicit feedback in creating the mission. The fact is that people are much more inclined to support and commit to what they help create.

Think about it…

How do you feel when you know that you are truly a part of something – that your input is highly valued?

The point is that every member of a high performance team understands and embodies the team vision and is completely committed to the team mission. This is largely because the vision reflects their own core values and the mission represents them.

Most of the time people will slowly sabotage the team mission when they don’t believe that it represents them or that they are truly a part of it. Whether it’s by malicious compliance or lackadaisical work ethic or plain insubordination, eventually, the mission will fall short.

High Performance Team members understand and embody the team vision and they support and commit to the team mission. The only thing left to do is to execute with focus.

3. Passion

What is the heart of the team? What drives them – what is it that fuels its passion?

Just as it is important to know and follow your personal passion, it is equally important for a team to do the same. Developing and cultivating high performance teams requires that each team member share the team’s true passion.

This means that whatever needs and services the team meets and whatever, the vision and mission, every team member must be passionate about it. It requires that your personal passion be aligned with the team passion. It goes directly to purpose – the reason for being.

Why bother to be a part of team if you don’t have a passion – a true drive for its vision and mission? In a nutshell, you’ve got to care.

If there is no fire within the heart of a team, performance will be lackluster. High Performance Teams have drive – fire – they take it to the max everyday because they are infused with passion for what they do. Engrained in the DNA of high performance teams is the reason for being – it is the life blood of the team.

4. Spirit

The spirit of a team represents its conscience. It speaks to the meaning of what the team does.

In other words; is the work that the does meaningful to you? Does it bring you fulfillment? Does it add value to you and others? Is there integrity in what the team does?

If there are any negative answers around any of these questions, the team spirit will be corroded and the vision muddled. The spirit of a team in my experience is the most important of the 4 elements. In fact, when needs and services, vision and mission and passion are led by spirit, the results you achieve are significantly greater and more impactful than you could otherwise achieve.

High Performance Teams are transparent and trustworthy. They do what they say they are going to do and they remain accountable for their actions. The team members are loyal to one another because they share a common bond. They do not cheat themselves or others and they genuinely feel good about what they do. When they look in the mirror every day, they see promise and another authentic opportunity to create and distribute value to others.

If you’ve ever been a part of a high performance team, you know that you can instantly feel the spirit of the team the moment you are around them. It is apparent and alive in a way that electrifies the air.

High Performance Teams know that the development and cultivation of the spirit starts at home. The way they treat each other creates a ripple effect in how they treat others and inspire others to treat others.

Dr. Stephen Covey puts it this way when it comes to the importance of spirit…

When spirit – conscience – governs body, mind and heart, you get a Gandhi; when ego governs body, mind and heart, you get a Hitler.

The bottom line is that no matter how great the need, clear the vision and fervent the passion – if your conscience says that it isn’t the right thing to do – follow your conscience. In my experience, when spirit leads, the results you achieve are far greater than any you could have imagined.

It is only when the spirit leads that true greatness can be achieved.

When these 4 elements come together in harmony, the nexus of focus and execution is formed. This is how high performance teams consistently achieve the results they desire.

So, what kind of team or you on?

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A Life without Enemies

At first glance, you might think the title of this article is over-reaching. You might even think it a bit naive. I admit I used to think the same. My experience though has taught me that living a life without enemies is actually the easy part; the hard part is grasping and accepting the thought process that governs it.

 

Do you have those in your life you consider enemies? Does anyone you know consider you to be an enemy? What would it mean to you if at the very least you knew of a way to minimize these instances in your life?

 

If you find that this would be valuable insight for you or someone you know, I invite you to settle in and read on.

 

Firstly, it is important to understand where our enemies come from. Get ready... it's kind of a whopper. Ready? Ok... 
  

We create our own enemies... yes that's right. There are no enemies that we have that we do not create. It is our perception of people and circumstances that create our greatest enemies. Once you can digest this simple truth, it will be easier for you to understand the attitude required to change it.

 

You can change your world whenever you wish by simply changing yourself. In fact, it is impossible for you to change your world or the world at large without first changing yourself.

 

To live an enemy-free life, there are 2 factors that must be addressed in sequence.

1.    The Enemy Within

We are our worst enemy; we do more damage to ourselves than any person or circumstance ever can. Since we have the power to control our thoughts, attitude and actions, we have the power to either inflict great harm or incredible good.

 

This being said, the first enemy we have to deal with on the road to a life without enemies is the enemy within. Improving upon the following 3 elements will have a profound and positive impact on your success in this area.

 

·         See the best in you

It is important that you do not allow your mind to work against you. Look for the best things in you at all times. Even when you fail to reach a goal, instead of focusing on the failure itself, focus on what you did well. After that, turn your attentions to the possible lessons you can learn. Never categorize a failure as you... it's just an event not you.

 

Instead, learn and grow from the things that did not work and realize that the fact that you tried your best is always enough. Also, the whole point of learning is to try again so that you can apply your new knowledge.

 

If you can practice to always see the best in yourself, it will clear your mind of unnecessary negative thoughts. Whenever your little voice starts getting down on you - just pause and tell it to STOP and then change your thoughts to be more positive. Learn to have positive conversations with yourself. Do it in your mind, in front of the mirror or out loud; whatever works best for you - just do it.

 

·         See the best in others

Just as you practice to see the best in you, do the same for others. When you consistently seek the best in others, you remain open to infinite possibilities. Never assume anything or allow your preconceptions to rule your choices. Take the proactive stance to purposely look for the best in others.

 

This does not mean that you are naive and that you turn a blind eye to people's shortcomings. It simply means that you spend most of your energy on the things that make them better people. Surely, you may know someone whom you think has no redeeming qualities; it is especially in these instances that this practice is important. In these cases you must look beyond a person's past, accept his/her present and project genuine hope for that person's future confident in the fact that this person still has the choice to change.

 

If you can truly think of it in this manner, you will always be able to see the best in others even when they do not see it in themselves.

 

Someone once asked Mother Teresa if she would attend an anti-war rally to which she humbly replied "No, but I would attend a peace rally." Now I am certainly no Mother Teresa; however, I am sure you can see the incredible power in changing your perception of a situation. It may be a mere play on words but how profound and impactful for your attitude.

 

·         Confess your own sins

Too often we spend way too much time confessing other people's sins and not our own. Other people's sins are none of your business; it is an area of concern that you cannot change. This is why it is vital that you focus on your sins so that you can change yourself. In fact, if you have any hope at all of influencing someone else to change, again, you have to first change yourself. Only through consistent work on yourself can you influence others to change.

 

The enemy within is at constant work telling you to blame the other guy when things go wrong. It will always lead you to believe it is someone else's fault causing you to expend your energy bashing others. Whenever you find this is happening, focus on what you might have done to create the situation and aim to do better next time.

 

Be accountable for your own sins – they are yours and unless you own them you will be unable to work on them. If you cannot work on your own sins, the enemy within will consistently get the best of you.

 

2.  The Enemy Without

The enemy without becomes much easier to manage once you are successfully managing the enemy within. You might consider someone an enemy if they've deliberately tried to hurt you or cause you ill will. You might also consider someone an enemy if they have expressed dislike for you or if you find yourself in a constant battle or tug of war with this person.

 

The first thing to accept in these instances is that these individuals will appear to you in the way you see them. Your perception governs your thoughts and actions towards this person. Even if it is true that this person wishes you harm, changing your perception of this person can remove the enemy mentality from the picture.

 

Again, it's not about naivety, it's about how you view the person. It is about what you choose to focus on about this individual whether they can see what you see or not. How you choose to view someone does not negate your choice of how you relate to them; it simply opens up more possibilities for positive exchanges.

 

Improving upon the following 5 elements will undoubtedly have a profound and positive impact on your success in managing the enemy without.

 

·         Make no assumptions

Although it easy to do, it is important that you make no assumptions about someone. Be proactive and assess a person for yourself. Whether from a distance or close up, it is important that you evaluate a person from your point of view. Even when you have credible sources of information, these should only serve as references to help improve upon your own observations. Often times you will find that what works or is true in one instance is completely different in another.

 

If you make assumptions, you automatically close yourself off to any other possibilities. Remember that the other person may also be making assumptions about you so be different. Go in with an open mind and a genuine intent to learn and you will find other people far more accommodating and cordial.

 

·         Seek Understanding

It is definitely true that we often fear what we don't understand. Instead of embracing our differences, we put them down. It is important that you seek first to understand others before asking the same in return.

 

If you genuinely want to understand someone else, he/she will recognize and hold you in high regard for that. Just think of what it feels like to you whenever you feel that you've been understood. Now seek to convey the same to others.

 

If you can practice this you will discover that people are much more receptive to your position.

 

·         Embrace differences

The very things that make us unique are the things that should bring us together and not drive us apart. We may all have different beliefs and ways of life; however, deep down we are all the same. We all seek acceptance, appreciation and approval. When you can truly embrace the differences between you and others, you will immediately open dialogue, exchange of ideas rather than conflict and rivalry.

 

Our differences are to be cherished not feared. We can learn a whole lot more from each other by simply opening our minds to our greatness. We all have within us a universe of greatness waiting to be unleashed. The more we encourage it, the more fruitful and positive our relationships.

 

If you can truly cherish the differences in others, your pool of enemies will quickly shrink while your pool of allies quickly grows.

 

·         No protraction

Any protracted negativity will only escalate animosity and corrosive behaviors. Do not prolong negative exchanges; instead try to put things in a positive frame. Even when the truth hurts, it goes over much better if you can frame it positively.

I am not saying you should sugar-coat or offer fluff - I am simply saying use sensitivity when delivering tough messages.

 

Do not engage in “tit for tat” shenanigans; these equate to taking a reactive stance. Instead, take a proactive stance and address the root problem. Look for win/win solutions; if for some reason you are unable to reach a consensus then your best move is to walk away. This way, although you won't be playing together in the same sandbox, you will still both be happy that you both have your own sandboxes without fear the other will drop a bomb on it. 
  

·         Offer Friendship

Sometimes the easiest way to lose an enemy is to gain a friend. There is no reason you can't turn an enemy into a friend by simply offering friendship.

 

It won't necessarily always work and not every situation would warrant such a move; however, in the event that it does - just offer friendship. A good friend is better than a bad enemy any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

 

It may be as simple as asking, "Can we be friends?" The answer may shock you.

 

Now, do not misconstrue this as a mere holier than thou attempt to rid the world of conflict and usher in world peace; although, it’s not a bad idea.

 

This is simply a guide to building more bridges than walls among each other. The undeniable truth is that it takes way more energy to keep enemies than friends. When you have more enemies, you have to expend more time, energy and resources watching your ass – I mean six.   

Conversely, when you have more friends, you have a willing army watching your rear already so you don’t even have to focus on it. With more friends, you expend way less energy, time and resources on negative crap and instead focus on things that create and distribute more value.

 

If you still believe that enemies are necessary, consider this…

 

No matter whom you are or your station in life, true success cannot be achieved alone. Without others, true success and maximum potential cannot be realized. If your world is full of enemies, whom will help you and how will you ever achieve success?

 

Ponder but a moment and realize the infinite possibilities of having friends.

 

See you in the winner’s circle. 
 

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10 Common New Year’s Resolutions That Usually Fail

Recently I published a newsletter comparing New Year’s resolutions to Real Goals; in that issue, I explained the differences between the 2 and why goals are always better to set than making empty promises to yourself via New Year’s resolutions. You can read this issue on my Facebook profile. 

This post is dedicated to giving you some insight into 10 common New Year’s resolutions that usually fail and the reasons that they most likely do. These are in no particular order – just some insights and observations I’ve picked up over the years.

 

1.   Lose Weight

Weight loss is definitely a top priority when it comes to making resolutions; the news constantly buzzes about it. There are always new ways and new tools to help you drop those unwanted pounds. 

Year after year though, although some people are able to lose some weight after making the resolution to do so, the majority gain the weight back and sometimes even more. Some people don’t even get off the couch to make the effort and weight loss once again becomes a pipedream. 

There are a few reasons that come screaming to mind why this resolution almost always fails:

·         No real commitment

·         No goal weight in mind

·         No deadline for when to get there 

These among other reasons will quickly derail any chance of keeping this resolution. Another major factor is the emotions that run so deeply for many people who struggle with weight. These feelings can be painful and therefore discouragement can set in quickly when the odds appear to be insurmountable.

 

2.   Make More Money

I have done this one to myself quite a few times in the past; each time I did it was a miserable failure. I couldn’t understand why I failed at this so often until I discovered a few insightful things about money and making money. 

You see, money should never really be a reason to do anything. I’ve learned that once you factor money into a decision, your actions can quickly become impulsive and eroded in pursuit of it; especially when you don’t have much in the first place. 

The resolution to make more money usually fails because people either look for the fastest way they can make money or they have no clue where to begin. In either case, this resolution is doomed before it even gets off the ground. 

Here’s why… 

Doing anything just for money almost always means that you do not have a passion for what you’re doing to make this money and therefore you do not care. That means that whether you create and deliver value to others or not doesn’t much matter as long as you make money. If you’ve gone this route before then you know it is short-lived. If you haven’t found out yet – trust me – you will. 

The other reason this resolution falls by the wayside is that you may have no clue what to do to make more money and since you stand for nothing, you end up falling for anything. There are plenty of “Get Rich Quick” schemes out there for all the suckers that are born at the turn of every year. 

The bottom line is that if you need to make more money and you do so by chasing the fastest buck or by trying the latest scams, you won’t succeed. In some cases you may even see some increase in your bank account for a while; however, I guarantee it won’t last if you continue to operate in the same vein.

 

3.   Get a New Job

This one is a very common resolution for the disgruntled employee. I’ll keep it very simple. The individuals that waste their time complaining about their jobs are the ones that never do anything about it. They threaten to leave every now and again but they continue to show up for the pain every day. 

These are the people making this resolution most of the time. Why does it usually fail? Because many people don’t even mean it when they say they are going to find a new job. Additionally, if you were to ask an individual who made this resolution, “when was the last time you updated your resume?” I can almost guarantee you might hear crickets. 

Other factors include:

• Not knowing what type of job you really want
• Do you really hate the one you have or is it the people?
• Can you solve your problem by talking to your boss?
• Is there something that can be done to make you satisfied with the job you have? 

The problem is that 99% of employees don’t ask these questions; neither of themselves nor their peers and superiors. I’ve worked on Wall Street and Main Street and this is one of those things that just don’t change no matter how much everything else does. 

The complainers and whiners threaten to quit while the leaders and heretics make plans to move forward – within or without the organization.

 

4.   Start a Business

For starters, more than 80% of all new startups fail within the first year of business. This fact already eliminates about 99% of the resolution makers since the majority people who start businesses have clear reasons for doing so. They may not have a clue how to run a business but they at least know why they started it. 

That being said, the New Year’s resolution usually fails because of a few reasons:

• No game plan
• No strategy
• No investment
• No research
• No follow up
• No sacrifice 

This list could probably go one for quite a bit but I’ll stop here. Starting a business is not a cake walk; it requires a serious commitment and an action plan to match. Simply making a resolution to do this lacks the depth of substance needed to sustain such a feat. And, if you include partners in this, things can get interesting very quickly. 

Misalignment, miscommunication, confusion and power-tripping are some of the issues that can arise quickly when starting a business becomes a haphazard task. 

If you really want to start a business, don’t make resolutions, set goals and make plans.

 

5.   Get Out of Debt

You’re not going to get out of debt until you stop the hemorrhaging. Many people claim they want to get out of debt – make the resolution to do so – only to continue spending in the exact same manner they did the year before. To top it off, they aren’t usually making any more money than they were making the year before.

Folks, getting out of debt is a serious undertaking – taking it lightly is undoubtedly a huge mistake. The main reason this resolution fails is because most people do not have a budget. They have absolutely no clue how and where their paycheck goes. They only know that they have way too much month left when the paycheck is gone. 

Another major hiccup is that many people are not willing to live without some of the things they want now so that they can get all the things they want later. Instant gratification rules the day for these folks and thus they remain in debt. The insane part is that many people who make this resolution year after year don’t understand why they are still in debt and getting in deeper. 

Simply put, this resolution will fail miserably if you do not want to give up anything or do anything differently.

 

6.   Find a Mate

In my experience, career-driven individuals usually suffer the worst of this resolution. These are the “busy people” of the world. Surely there is nothing wrong with pursuing your career – in fact I most certainly encourage it. The thing is that finding a mate requires that you put certain aspects of your life in the proper context. 

The truth is that most people who make this resolution do so because they think that it’s about time that they have a mate. After all, that’s what life is all about – finding someone with whom to share your dreams and goals. The issue is that this is definitely not a good reason to search for a mate because it can provide bad direction. 

Also, unless you are willing to actually make space in your life for a mate, one will not appear. You may think that things are supposed to fall into place after you’ve found your mate; however, this is not so. The frequency you generate must match with your heart and mind otherwise your mate will continue to elude you. 

If you are currently married to your career, your business, your church or any other activity or endeavor in your life – get unmarried first before pursuing a mate. It doesn’t mean that you let those things go – they are still important to you. It just means that you shift paradigms and put them into the proper perspective. 

In other words, how important is it for you to find a mate? To the degree that this matters to you, your efforts and actions will mirror the same.

 

7.   Exercise Forgiveness

Forgiveness tends to come the hard way most of the time; it is such a simple thing to do and yet it does not come easy. 

This is a resolution usually made when a transgression has been committed against you – some time has passed and yet it continues to eat at you. At some point the stigma of the situation becomes seemingly unbearable and forgiveness seems the best way to let it go.

The roadblock that most often pops up in these scenarios is that the person who needs to do the forgiving misconstrue why they are forgiving in the first place. Typically people believe that forgiveness is for the forgiven; however, the truth is that it is for the forgiver. Unless you recognize this simple truth, it becomes much more difficult to forgive, especially if the transgression was egregious and/or painful. 

If you do not understand forgiveness and its purpose, you will be less likely to truly exercise forgiveness. And, if you really believe that forgiveness is for the forgiven and you don’t believe that he/she deserves it – you will not follow through. You might say you will but your true colors will again come to rouse soon enough.

 

8.   Change Your Circle

A change of circle usually becomes warranted when you find that it is improbable that you will be able to make necessary personal changes while you continue to move in these circles. This can be very tough to follow through on – I have lived this one twice in my life and each time it was extremely difficult. 

Changing your circle can involve pulling away from family, friends and colleagues. You may have been hanging out with some of these folks most of your life and now in order for you to move forward, you have to remove yourself from these people. Yes – this is hard – I know. 

This resolution usually fails because the emotions that come along with doing this are often too much for the individual to bear. They are riddled with guilt, remorse and resentment all rolled into one. Accepting that nothing last forever and that with change sometimes hard decisions like these have to be made can be tough to swallow. 

In order to pull this off, you must be crystal clear about your objective and you must remove the emotions from the equation. If you are not able to do that, you will be hard-pressed to make the decision let alone take action to see this through. 

I don’t envy you if you have to face this challenge; however, I can tell you that of the two times I have had to do it, I am very happy that I did. Good luck! 
  

9.   Speak Your Mind

I have mentored and counseled many smart individuals whose main shortcoming was a lack of their own voice. They have all this tenacity and creativity bottled up inside but no courage to unleash them. 

The main reason this resolution fails is because people allow the fear of consequences to keep them in a box and dumb. The repercussion of such an act as speaking your mind is so great – in your mind – that you simply choose to clam up. 

Often, you hear individuals who make this kind of resolution say (after someone else snatches the thunder), that’s exactly what I was going to say. At this point of course, it doesn’t much matter whether you were going to say it or not. In fact, you’re better off not even letting others hear you say – “I was just going to say that.” 

Another reason this resolution fails is because many people don’t know how to express their thoughts well or they wait until it’s too bottled up and they explode. This usually leads to a “fight or flight” situation. 

If you want to keep this New Year’s resolution, remember this; speaking your mind requires 2 elements:

• Courage – grow a pair   
• Do what’s true for you and learn to live with the consequences – again – grow a pair 
   

“And that’s all I have to say about that.” – Forrest Forrest Gump.

 

10.   End a Relationship

This New Year’s resolution usually fails because of emotional confusion, withdrawal syndrome and fear. Often individuals continue a relationship in the hopes that things will change even though they don’t. This is the fundamental problem of bad relationships and why they tend to prolong. 

Many people continue to believe that one day things will miraculously change even though they do nothing differently. They don’t even so much as issue a real ultimatum – instead they tout empty threats that lose gas very quickly when the emotions come to a cool or in some cases – a boil.

The other factor is the fear of losing; even though the relationship may not be healthy, many people associate the end of a relationship as a loss. Some individuals even chalk it up as a failure rather than a change to move forward. If you cannot view the ending of a relationship as moving forward and all for the best without regrets, it will be difficult to end it. 

The bottom line is that unless you can truly understand why you need to let go; unless you can truly accept the fact that ending the relationship is the best for all parties involved; unless you can see it as a step forward, ending a relationship will be extremely difficult.

 

Phew… that was deep – now what?

Well, I have already written a couple of articles that can help you overcome the New Year’s resolution disease. If you want to discover how to set real goals and create the ultimate plan to achieve them, start by reading the following articles.

• How to Set Goals
• How to Achieve Your Goals

Killer Series: 7 Keys to Killer Communication Skills

No matter whom you are or what you do, if you do not learn how to communicate effectively, the quality of your life will suffer. This is a fact! 

I say that because through my training and experience over the years, I have discovered that the quality of my communication ultimately determines the quality of my life. The more effective you are at getting your message across to others, the better the results you will yield. The clarity and quality of your written, verbal and visual communication will always have a tremendous impact on your ability to achieve the results you desire. 

It is extremely important that you grasp this concept sooner rather than later so that you can begin putting the correct communication principles into practice. If you find that you are constantly having to answer the same questions or repeatedly clarifying your position – there is clearly an issue with your communication. Understanding the elements of effective communication and applying them religiously will undoubtedly increase your ability to consistently achieve your goals. 

Now that I have raised your awareness to this crucial element of your personal growth – here’s the good news. It’s not rocket science by any stretch; you have the ability to discover, learn and apply the principles of killer communication skills that will ultimately help you to consistently achieve the results YOU desire. 

Following are my best insights on becoming a killer communicator; these are the 7 Keys to Killer Communication Skills.

 

Key #1: It’s not about you

All killer communicators understand that the most important person in any line of communication is the person receiving the message. This means that you must relay your message in a manner that is easy to understand by the receiving parties. 

Your focus when you are the messenger has to be on the needs of your audience; what’s in it for them. This is a good way to ensure that what is heard is received as you intended. Too often, we forget that communication is about others thereby putting way too much emphasis on ourselves and our needs. What usually happens in cases such as those is we lose the audience and the intended message gets skewed.

Whenever you are ready to put a message together, think first about the receiving party; imagine you are in his/her shoes and compose your message so that it relates to him/her on a familiar level. 

If you are communicating with someone for the first time, the best thing you can do is ask questions that help you discover the best communication style/method for this person. Not everyone receives information in the same way or at the same speed – different strokes for different folks.

Additionally, be sure to remove your ego from the equation when you communicate with others – it’s not about you. Unless you grasp this simple concept, your ego will continue to get the best of you and your communications will often go awry. You cannot develop killer communication skills unless you put others first. 

 

Key #2: Be transparent

This is a crucial element in developing your communication skills. You have to be upfront about your objectives and expectations. Are you simply disseminating information or are you asking for something? You must be clear about the results you want and your motives. 

Killer communicators know that it is imperative that goals are clear to all parties in the line of communication. Each link in the chain must be crystal clear on what is expected of it otherwise, your ends will not be met. Transparent communication demands that there are no hidden agendas. If there are things that will come to light later that your audience does not need to know at the time of your communication – by all means say so. 

Some scholars may disagree with me on this point; however, in my experience I have never known transparency to hamper or erode by communications with others. I have also not known it to impede or damage the desired results. In fact, I have always found that the desired result is achieved with more efficacy and speed. 

People commit more quickly and are more accountable when they know the deal upfront. People value honesty and so should you when you communicate. If there are things that you are not at liberty to say – be sure to let your audience know that. The most important thing for them is that they know you value and respect them. Transparency earns you the right to speak to your audience and have them reciprocate with action. 

You have no idea how powerful this practice can be until you’ve tried it – you will see immediate and positive results.

 

Key #3: Listen actively

Active listening requires first that you genuinely want to hear what the receiving party has to say. When you communicate with others it is vital that you understand that they have understood your message and what actions to take next. This means that you have to ask for clarification and then listen – truly listen – to the response. 

All killer communicators are active listeners. They acknowledge others’ concerns and take the necessary steps to overcome any objections. When you listen actively, you are not only listening to what is being said but also to what is not. This is why it is important that your heart and mind are open to hearing the message coming back at you. 

The goal of active listening is to clear up misunderstandings and clarify action steps and expectations. This is an element you do not want to skip when you communicate because if there are any misunderstandings, they will undoubtedly surface in the results you achieve. The same is true for confusion about what to do next and expectations; if your audience is not clear on this, how will they make the right decisions – take the appropriate actions? 

Active listening requires you to do 3 things:

1. Deliver your message and then ask your audience if it makes sense – if they are clear
2. Listen to the response you get – listen with an open heart and mind – be genuine
3. Respond by overcoming any objections and/or clarifying next steps and expectations – then go back to #1 and repeat until you are all on the same page 

Chances are very good that if you follow this process, you won’t have to repeat it often before clarity is achieved.

 

Key #4: Say what you mean

Say what you mean to say – don’t dance. When you beat around the bush, you leave way too much room for error and confusion. Killer communicators don’t dance unless they are at a party. 

Don’t be afraid to say exactly what you mean. You don’t have to be a jerk about it when what you mean to say might be deemed as ugly; however, as sensitively as you can, you still need to spell it out. Don’t mince words with your audience if you want to be a killer communicator. 

Surely, there is a certain amount of finesse that comes with delivering ugly messages without making them sound so ugly but that will have to be another article. For now, stick to what’s true for you and learn to live with the consequences. It is always better to lay it on the table as it is or as you see it than to make stuff up. When you manufacture words and add fluff, the real message is stifled which means your results will suffer the same fate. 

Your best course is to simply say what you mean to say. If need be, just ask your audience for permission to be brutally honest. This way it shows that you care about and value them. It seems like an easy thing; however, in my experience this is one of the hardest things for many people to do. Yes, it is a simple concept to grasp – just a hard discipline to master. Once you are able to do it though, your communication skills will improve drastically. 

 

Key #5: Be responsible

One of the worse things you can do as a communicator is to be irresponsible for what you say. Killer communicators live by the code “the buck stops here.” You must be responsible for your words – don’t pass the buck to the other guy. 

One of my mentors and friend, Chris, taught me this motto “communication is the response you get.” Simply put, it is your responsibility as a killer communicator to make sure that your audience receives your message in a clear and succinct manner. You are responsible for the message you deliver and also whether or not it is understood. 

If for whatever reason the results are not what you expect, the responsibility of those results is yours. You do not pass the buck to the person who misunderstood or whom was confused about next steps and expectations. If you had done your job of communicating effectively, the results would have been different – more to your liking. If they are not, you obviously missed a step and you need to go back and fix it. 

I know what some of you are thinking – how can I control what someone else does? Obviously you can’t but that’s not the point. The point is that if you want to be a killer communicator, learn to accept the fact that the buck must stop with you. If for some reason you are unable to reach someone in your communication or the person refuses to be open to your message then you have the right to decide to stop communicating with this person. 

Furthermore, you can always reduce your expectations of others without lowering your standards. You do not blame others for miscommunication when you delivered the message no matter what. You always look at you and then decide how best to proceed. 

Is it still a bit much to swallow? Let me put it another way. 

If you were training a dog to guard your home and each time you gave the attack command, the dog simply rolled over and went to sleep. How long would you continue to train that dog before you got rid of him? Sure you could sit around all day blaming the dog for being a no good mutt but you still wouldn’t have a guard dog. 

Are you getting the picture? Good – let’s move on.

 

Key #6: Value accountability

All killer communicators understand that effective communication requires accountability from those receiving your message. As long as you are practicing all the keys, there is no reason you should not expect audience accountability. This is of high value when it comes to improving your communication skills. 

Whether your audience has to take action or not, their accountability lies in the expectations that you have agreed upon between communicator and audience. If your job as the communicator is to be responsible for holding your audience accountable then it is their job to be accountable and to expect you to hold them to it. 

Of course you cannot force anyone to be accountable – your goal is simply to be able to call people out when they are not. Notice that I didn’t say embarrass – agreements allow you to remind others (gently) of what you agreed to. This is how you decide where to focus your energies so that you neither waste other peoples’ time nor yours. One reason why so many people spin their wheels when communicating is that they continue to communicate with the same (wrong) people and expect to achieve a different result. This is insanity and it drives people nuts. 

If you are communicating (presenting) to a large group – 20 or more – I have found it easiest to just ask for accountability. Based on the nature of the presentation and the way you set it up in your introduction, you can simply ask them if they are willing to play. Once they’ve agreed, you will have no trouble reminding them of the rules of the game and garnering compliance. 

Value accountability and have the courage to hold people to it once they’ve agreed. Effective communication requires – demands – accountability from the receiving party and all killer communicators know it.

 

Key #7: Know when to shut up

There are so many clichés that I can use here to drive this point home. I have heard before “Why do you think that God gave you two ears and one mouth?” I have also heard “Sometimes it is better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”    

Both of these really sum up the point of not only why it is important to listen but also when to be silent. I still struggle with the latter of these practices. Knowing when to shut up is vital to improving your communication skills. Often times because of assumptions and preconceptions, we do not shut up long enough to give others a chance to respond to us. We tend to want to answer for them. 

Killer communicators are masters at knowing when silence is golden and they practice this discipline religiously. The best insight I can offer on this is to simply pause and give others a chance to steal the thunder. Believe me; other people want to hear themselves talk just as much as you do. Besides, the more you let others talk, the more you will learn if you are listening actively. This will help you make wiser decisions about your communication with others. 

So in a nutshell – learn to shut up – let others talk – it’s not about you – it’s about them – so just throw them the ball and open up your ears like a big hoop.

 

FAQ

Whenever I have delivered this presentation or talked with others about how to become a highly effective communicators, I always get this question. 

Dean, can anyone become a highly effective communicator? I’m going to answer that question here for you because I know some of you will ask. 

Here’s the deal… 

Those who ask this question usually fear that they can’t do it and usually, they are exactly right. The sad truth is that most people cannot achieve Killer Communicator level and even worse, most won’t even try. The majority of individuals will, in most cases, opt for the “flight or fight” approach to communication; both of which kills communications. 

You might also find that many people don’t agree with me on how to achieve this. I don’t much care whether you believe me or not – the fact is that these principles work and always have. That’s how principles are – unfailing and unchanging; you may categorize the keys differently; however, the results will be the same when put into practice. 

The short answer is NO – not anyone can become a highly effective communicator; however, I believe that most intelligent and open-minded people can. Unfortunately, we are in short supply of that species on this planet. I dare you – NO I double dare you to take the challenge! 

 

Killer Series: Top 7 Sales Killers

Whether you know it or not, we are all in the business of sales. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, we all sell a products and/or services. One thing is for certain – we all sell ourselves. It could be to family, friends, colleagues and/or customers – it doesn’t matter – we all sell ourselves daily. 

I’ve already written an pretty insightful article on the 7 ways to add killer value to anything so I thought it appropriate to also make sure that you understand the flip side – what absolutely can kill your efforts to add killer value. The fact is that we are all killers – the only thing you need to figure out is which type of killer you are. Ultimately, you get to choose the type of killer you want to be. 

Whether you believe you are a killer or not – read on – by the end of the article I think you will have gotten a clear picture in your head.

Following are my best insights on the elements that undoubtedly will kill a sale. The information is derived from my years of experience in marketing, sales and training and developing people from all walks of life. 

These are the Top 7 Sales Killers.

 

#1 – Assumption

The moment you assume anything at all about a situation or a person, you’ve basically killed the sale before it has even started. Once you assume you make an ass-et out of you. 

If the desired result is to make the sale – add value to the situation or person – you won’t be able to achieve that outcome effectively if you’ve already decided you know-it-all. All preconceived notions must go out the window and you must come to the table with a clean slate. Your only goal should be to add value and create a new customer. 

Whether you’re selling a product or service or simply starting a new relationship wherein you’re selling yourself – any assumptions will defeat your purpose. It will rob you and everyone involved or the relationship’s full potential.

 

#2 – Cluelessness

 This goes without saying; people don’t buy from individuals who have no clue what they are talking about. If you don’t know your product or service and you don’t know what the customer wants or needs, you’re clueless and in there eyes – USELESS! 

Before you attempt to make any sale, make sure you have all your information – your facts – straight. It is also crucial that you know the most relevant information about your customer. This way you can relate to him/her better – this is a key element in adding value. Simply put – you’d better know your stuff or end up getting stuffed. 

In short – GET A CLUE!

 

#3 – Judgment

Judgment is the brother of Assumption because it limits your range. It creates barriers to the sale when you come with preconceptions of any kind. Judgment though also takes another form that can be detrimental to a sale. 

If your customers happen to use your competitor’s product or service and you bash your competitor, they will see that as a judgment – like you’re bashing them. Instead of judging, try overcoming the competitor’s product or service by offering more, better or faster service. Show your customers why doing business with you will benefit them more. 

Any judgment of your customers or the products they use will diminish your standing in their eyes no matter how good your intentions are. You will not only lose the sale but most probably a customer for life.

 

#4 – Insincerity

If your heart is not in the right place, how can you act in the best interest of your customers? Authenticity goes a long way in forging strong bonds of loyalty and respect. Insincerity will eventually rare its ugly head and that will seal your fate and kill the sale with that customer. 

The fact is that, people don’t care what you think until they know that you care. Unless you have your customers’ best interest at heart don’t bother attempting the sale. Even if you make one or two sales to one customer as a sheep in wolves’ clothing – your deeds will soon come to roost and your reputation will suffer dire consequences.

 

#5 – Indifference

Indifference is about the lack of conviction in the products or services you offer. If you don’t believe in yourself or what you do, why should your customers? If you waiver or blow from one stance to the next without rhyme or reason, your customers will be wary and leery of your motives.

When it comes to being a killer salesperson, you cannot afford to be neutral; one of the reasons top sales people do so well is that they are able to rally others to a cause. Your ability to do that will be significantly hampered if you are indifferent and your customers won’t be able to trust your word.

 

Why should people do business with you? If your answer on one hand is six and half dozen on the next – you aren’t saying much. That position is weak and only shows that you don’t really care either way so long as you make a buck. The sale will die a fast and painful death because of your lack of conviction. 

You may have heard the saying before “If you stand for nothing, you will most certainly fall for anything.” That’s no joke – you will undoubtedly kill the sale if you are indifferent.

 

#6 – Dishonesty

If judgment is the brother of assumption, then Dishonesty is the sister of Insincerity. These two go hand-in-hand; from the moment you are insincere, more than likely, you are also dishonest. Once this demon is discovered, there will be no sale – EVER! 

It goes without saying that in order to build a circle of loyal customers; they must be able to trust you. You must always act in their best interest, say what you mean and do what you say you will do. If you falter on this priority, your sales are doomed. 

Surely, you may be able to make a few sales through your dishonesty but again – this will eventually catch up to you. The longer it takes to come back to you, the more severe the consequences will be to your business and to your reputation. Your reputation is all you have; it takes time to build a really good one; however, you can easily destroy it in the blink of an eye.

Once you have been dishonest and your deception has been discovered, you will be hard pressed to find your road back to your former self. Not only will you have killed this sale but also jeopardized future sales as well. What can I say – word gets around fast.

 

#7 – Doubt

If you don’t believe it, why should anyone else? It is a very simple concept; without your belief in your product or service, you cannot be an effective salesperson. You will never be a top performer when you come from a place of doubt and disbelief. 

Customers see through this thin wall very quickly and just as quickly they will take their business elsewhere. Doubt shakes the ground you walk on and causes those around you to feel insecure. If I do not feel that my assets will be protected by you or that you even know how, I won’t do business with you.

Don’t sell or offer any product or service you would not use or give to your family to use. This is a great way to benchmark the products and services with which you align yourself. 

Confidence and belief is of utmost importance when it comes to making the sale; you must be able to stand by what you say and do and be prepared to back it up. There is no substitute for confidence and belief and once you exude that your customers will feel it too. Either way - it’s contagious.

 

There you have it…

These are the top 7 sales killers. What kind of killer are you? One who kills the sale or one who adds killer value? I suggest you figure it out before your next sales pitch. 

 

Top 10 Reasons to Bury the Hatchet

If you ever had a dispute or disagreement with someone then you understand the tremendous amount of energy it takes to sustain it. There are a myriad of reasons why disagreements happen; the real challenge is how we handle it when they do.

 

For a long time I used to think it was just fine to have an on-going dispute or disagreement with someone as long as I believed I was in the right. There were times when it felt good to stick it to the other guy any chance I got.

 

What I have learned since that time though is that, it does you or anyone else no good when you give life to disputes and disagreements. Even when you feel good about sticking it to the other guy, the exact opposite is true – it feels better to forgive. It takes an enormous amount of energy to continue to dislike someone or sustain a dispute with someone.

 

As the hatchet gets sharper, the more you have to do to keep from getting cut. You have to consistently watch your back for fear of what the other party might do. Why let a dispute or your dislike for someone else rob you of your power? We have the power to choose to let it go and yet so many of us still refuse to bury the hatchet no matter who gets hurt.

 

Imagine this hatchet in the center of your life guiding and directing your decisions; where to eat, where to sleep, where to simply be. Is this over the top? I think not. I’m sure you’ve seen this in one form or another. One person says “I’m not coming to your party if she’s going to be there.” How ridiculous is that? Or, “I’m not going to eat at that restaurant again because he’s always in there.” My goodness – that doesn’t sound like anything I want to be a part of. It takes way too much energy that I could be putting to better use.

 

Aside from this rant though, following are the top 10 reasons you should bury the hatchet – if you have one sharpening that is. Otherwise, you can still read or print this article and give it to someone you know need it; and I know that you at least know someone who needs it.

 

I will start at #10 and work my way to the #1 reason to bury the hatchet. Here goes…

 

#10 - You’re Not a Total Moron

Sorry but only a total moron would continue to believe that there is any benefit in a protracted dispute. What’s the point of keeping the hatchet on the table if it becomes the centerpiece of your life?

 

This is inevitably what happens when you don’t bury the hatchet; you think more about that situation than you do anything else. You place such high value on this negative situation that it envelops your whole life and pretty soon it’s all you live for. If a silly hatchet is all you have to live for, you might as well go in peace right now because you’re already dead.

#9 - Better Health

OK, so you’re not buying that you’re total moron for keeping the hatchet alive – fine! How about you bury the hatchet to preserve your health? It is a proven fact that negativity drives you to the grave even faster. With a negative situation like this in your life, your health will continue to deteriorate.

 

This type of high stress is known to compound the effects of almost all diseases and medical conditions. Sickness and disease are negative things and therefore they attract more negativity. So, unless you want to give sickness and disease a helping hand in killing you – bury the hatchet.

 

#8 - Not Worth It

How could it be when all it gets you is more stress? What is the hatchet worth? Neither party derives any benefits from it; the only thing that keeps growing is the negative energy in your life. Thanks but NO THANKS!

 

#7 - Too Hard

This is way too hard a thing to sustain with no benefits coming to you. Imagine having to continuously fuel your spirit with hate and disdain for someone else. Imagine feeling like smiling and fighting your facial muscles to do the exact opposite.

 

The tremendous amount of energy that it takes to sharpen the hatchet could be directed in so many more valuable ways. This hatchet stuff to me is just too hard and certainly not the smartest way to live.

 

#6 - The Boomerang Effect

Universal and unchanging natural law says that you reap what you sow. The more of it you sow the more of it you will reap. Sow the seeds of sour grapes and reap – that’s right – SOUR GRAPES.

 

It amazes me that individuals who continue down this path also continue to believe that one day they will get different – and even more asinine – better results than they’ve gotten before. All the while they are simply putting out more and more of the same negative energy. Perhaps you should go back and read #10 because if you don’t understand the law of belief – you’re in big trouble.

 

The fact is that you will only get out what you put in… do you really want to put your energy into sharpening the hatchet or putting it away?

 

#5 - Forgiveness

Showing forgiveness is one of the purest forms of humanity. Many people misunderstand the true purpose of forgiving someone. They refuse to do it because they have decided that the other person does not deserve their forgiveness. The truth is that forgiveness is not for the forgiven – it is for the person who forgives. You cannot get past something or let go of a transgression against you unless you are willing to forgive the person who committed it.

 

Forgiving someone for having done you wrong clears your conscience and gives you room to grow; to be a better person. Not forgiving someone who has done you wrong only serves to fester negative emotion that undoubtedly do you physical, mental, emotional and spiritual harm.

 

Forgiveness is infinitely better than blame – I guarantee it!

 

#4 - The Ultimate Power

When you continue to despise those who rise against you, they rob you of your ultimate power – CHOICE. In all things we have the power to choose. Each time we allow a person or situation to dictate how we behave, we relinquish that power.

 

Who is in charge of you? Is it you or is it this person or situation for which you continuously sharpen your hatchet?

 

You will always be without your ultimate power if you continue to act only when others act upon you – that is just a reaction. Any MORON can do that consistently. It takes true self-leadership to make your own choices; to behave in a manner that is in line with your values.

 

Bury the hatchet or concede to giving up your power to choose.

 

#3 - Effective Self-leadership

With hatchets flying all over the place, you will never be able to lead yourself or anyone else effectively. Your emotions will always get the best of you and you will become a reactor that simply acts only when acted upon.

 

If you don’t care about being a leader in your own life then so be it – continue down your path of self-destruction. Just don’t ever wonder why things never go your way or why you can’t seem to overcome your shortcomings. The proof as they say is in the pudding – you reap what you sow so just deal with it.

 

If you don’t want to lead you can always play follow the leader and let your pettiness and pride lead you in a constant state of downward spiral. Good luck with that!

 

#2 - Unhappy

There is no way you can achieve true and complete happiness when there is hate in your heart. If you despise others and are content to remain in conflict then your life will be in a constant state of conflict and discontent. If you constantly deny yourself and others of who you truly are in the interest of preserving and sharpening your hatchet, how can you ever be happy?

 

Happiness comes from within which means that you must seek out the best in yourself and share that with the world. When you spread negativity, negativity will come back to you. Over and over, negativity will show up in your life as long as you continue to sharpen the hatchet. Just release and let it go and your happiness will immediately increase.

 

#1 – Live by the Hatchet – Die by the Hatchet

Well isn’t this the quintessential cliché? Perhaps; however, it is undoubtedly true. Sooner or later, if you continue to sharpen the hatchet you will get cut. It may not cut you directly but perhaps someone you love will reap the wrath of the nasty seeds you’ve sown.

 

Don’t under-estimate the power of karma – sins of the father often visit upon the son. Sure, tragic things happen to good people everyday; however, they are not remembered for that tragedy – they are remembered for how they lived. When the hatchet turns on you, all people will remember is how you lived; they will think that you died in the same manner, deservedly so.

 

What’s the point?

If you’re still asking this question, start reading again from the top. Sure, this whole article may be considered subjective and I am sure that someone else could come up with another 10 reasons why you should bury the hatchet.

 

The point is that there is no good reason to keep sharpening one; it only robs you and the rest of the world of your true self; your greatness.

 

Continuing in this negative quest means that you are either too stupid to realize your folly or I’m mistaken and you are a total moron. Now, there is very little I can do to help you if you’re just stupid but I already know that stupid people don’t visit my website. That leaves MORON and for that there is a cure. Get off your ass; stop whining about what someone else did to you and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s just plain pathetic!

 

If you happen to see things differently than someone else – no big deal – just agree to disagree and move on. That’s called choice. Taking it any further in terms of malice, unfriendliness and despite is just plain moronic and a waste of time. 

You know what else is a waste of time? Writing one more word trying to convince you why you should bury the hatchet – that’s a colossal waste of my time and yours. So on that note…

 

 

How to Become a Highly Effective Problem Solver

Ever notice how some people almost always come up with great solutions over and over again – even in situations where there seemed to be no successful avenue? Ever wonder how it is that these people pull this off so consistently while simultaneously making it look easy?

These types of people are highly effective problem solvers; they know how to read a situation, discern what the real issue is and then provide creative solutions that lead to win/win outcomes. Individuals like this understand all too well the importance of addressing a problem at the root cause rather than supplying band-aids to cuts and bruises or prescribing medicine that address the symptoms only.

 

If becoming a highly effective problem solver sounds like a tall order to you – let me assure you that this is a skill you can learn as long as you’re open. Whether you think you are or not or you are simply seeking to improve on this area in your personal growth, the goal of this article is to arm you with the information you need to achieve the results you desire.

 

You will be able to not only come up with creative solutions to problems and/or issues but also reach people on a much deeper level than you have been able to in the past. There is no connection greater than the ones achieved when you reach another human being on the level that is most real to him or her. It opens up unlimited new avenues of possibilities in relationships and in life.

 

OK… so you might be thinking that I’m way too optimistic about the possible results you can achieve by becoming a highly effective problem solver… BUT… think about it for a moment.

 

Have you ever witnessed the transformation in people when you or someone else helps them solve a problem – especially one that has been a thorn for a while? They are immediately elated and simultaneously, their level of gratitude increases. In many cases, people feel the need to either repay you or pay it forward. It is inevitable that whenever you remove blockage in someone’s life, that person instantly becomes more open to possibilities that they could not see let alone believe while the blockage existed.

 

Highly Effective Problem Solvers are the types of people others are drawn to without even knowing or understanding why. It is the energy they emit that makes them magnetic and their circle of influence grows with each problem they help someone to solve. Highly Effective Problem Solvers understand that problems are not resolved by treating symptoms, you must focus on addressing the root cause. This is the only way to create solutions with long-lasting and positive impact.

 

If you truly desire to help others solve problems in their lives – stick around. I think you will find this article both enjoyable and informative. You will be able to apply the principles you read immediately and with practice, you will greatly improve your problem solving skills and begin to see profound, impactful and positive results in the lives of the people you help.

 

To become a highly effective problem solver, there are 3 elements of focus that when honed and sharpened will, in almost all cases, help you achieve profound, impactful and positive results. These 3 elements, all of Greek origin, are Ethos, Pathos and Logos.

 

First, let’s understand Ethos and how it applies.

 

Ethos encompasses your ethics and your reputation; the way you do things and how you’re viewed by others through your actions. Are you a person who truly desires to help others or are you just doing this for the glory?

 

Before a person can be truly open to listening to you and taking direction from you, he or she must first believe that your motives are genuine otherwise your words will fall on deaf ears. Highly Effective Problem Solvers are individuals who truly desire to help others improve their lives by helping them solve the issues that plague them. Even if helping others solve problems in their lives is not your sole purpose in life, once you’re in this mode, there is no doubt as to what is driving your actions.

 

Ethos demands that you earn the right to do what you do; that you be worthy of your audience’s respect. In some cases, your reputation will have preceded you and your authority will have been established by your title, accolades or some advanced promotion or introduction. Nevertheless, it is always important to provide a little detail as to why you are doing this; something that either establishes or solidifies your integrity.

 

This seemingly small thing will not only provide your audience a clear picture as to why they want to listen to you, it also penetrates the defensive walls people surround themselves with when they are feeling insecure. Furthermore, once the walls go down, people instantly become more open to receive the value that you bring to the table.

 

Now, let’s look at Pathos.

 

Pathos speaks to your capacity to empathize with others; feel their pain and truly understand their plight. In the role of helping others solve their problem, it is important that they believe first that you truly understand what they are going through. It’s simple really; if you don’t or can’t understand what your audience is going through, how can you possibly help them find the right solution? I’ve seen and heard so many people spew out high level advice with low level understanding.

 

To strengthen your Pathos, there are 3 basic listening principles you need to practice.

 

Firstly, remove all your pre-conceived notions or judgments about the situation. You must go in as a blank slate; a new canvas ready for a new drawing. This will increase your capacity to listen not only to what is being said but also to what is not which often times is more important. If you have no pre-judgments, you can truly act in the best interest of the individual you aim to help.

 

Secondly, you must endeavor to understand the plight of the person you are trying to help. Before you formulate any opinions, replies or advice, you must first seek to truly comprehend and appreciate the person’s situation. Once again, this only increases the value of what you will offer because when you truly understand the problem a person is facing, it gives rise to your creative self in providing the right solution.

 

Thirdly, clarify and restate what you’ve heard and understood; be sure to ask if your assessment is on point. This provides the person with room to either clarify further if you’ve missed the mark or simply smile in relief as he or she agrees that you have in fact hit the mark. More often than not, if you truly desire to help and you are truly listening with the intent to understand, you will hit the mark dead on.

 

Practicing these 3 listening principles will undoubtedly improve and strengthen your capacity for Pathos. It will show your audience that you are truly listening with the intent to understand as opposed to with the intent to reply. So many people miss what you are saying completely because they are too busy thinking of what they are going to say next.

 

When you strengthen your capacity for Pathos, your empathy will shine through and the person you are trying to help will recognize that you are actually in it with them; they will feel understood thereby making them open for your advice, direction and coaching.

 

Highly effective problem solvers are exceptional listeners; they understand that the reason they have two ears and only one mouth is so they can listen twice as much as they talk. In order to achieve your goals as a highly effective problem solver, you must aim to become an astute listener. Your goal is to hear as clearly in chaos as you do in silence.

 

Logos is automatically strengthened by improving Ethos and Pathos.

 

Logos speaks to your capacity for logic and reasoning. Your audience needs to feel sure that your advice is sound and your direction is focused. Highly effective problem solvers recognize that in order to truly help someone solve a problem, you must be able to marry the emotion with reasoning.

 

When you are exercising Pathos, you are validating the person’s feelings about their situation; you are showing that you feel his or her frustration. When it’s time to provide a solution, the solution must make sense; it has to be based on facts, statistics and/or experience. Whatever conclusion you draw, you must be able to show a clear line to that conclusion. Your logic must be based on correct principles rather than emotion. Essentially, your audience has to feel sure that you know what you are talking about.

 

This is where you must put your ego aside. Even if after listening and understanding the situation, you feel you are not the best person to help, logos demands that you direct the person to the best source that can help. Check your ego… check your ego… check your ego!

 

You don’t have to be a know-it-all to be a highly effective problem solver. Some of the most effective problem solvers are those that always know the right people and places to go to for help. Many highly effective problem solvers are just exceptional resource banks that you can draw on to find the answers you seek.

 

So remember, Ethos, Pathos and Logos – the great philosopher Aristotle thought of these 3 elements as integral to making a sound argument. As it turns out, they are equally effective in the art of solving problems.

Killer Series: 7 Steps to Building a Killer Team

Have you ever watched a high-performing team in action? Better yet, have you ever been a part of a high-performing team?

I don’t how many of you watched the show that the Chinese put together for the 2008 Summer Olympic Games but I can tell you it was truly a spectacular sight and accomplishment. This was the pinnacle of a high-performing team in action – what I like to call a Killer Team. The pure energy and masterful synchronicity was absolutely impeccable. They were fluid and flawless during every show and absolutely electrifying with every move. It was definitely a sight to behold and if you didn’t have the opportunity to see it, I can say without a doubt that you missed something very special.

I don’t know what they will do when the games hit London in 2012 but I do know they’ve got their work cut out for them. I have had the opportunity to experience the difference between a Killer Team and a team that gets killed. It is always a much happier, more productive, more efficient and more creative scene when you are on a Killer Team – as if that’s not obvious. It is so much more powerful that my ultimate goal when working with a team is to be a part of and cultivate a Killer Team. This is of the utmost importance the moment you begin to work in multiples.

 

Whether you are leading or are a part of a team, this should be your ultimate goal. Everything else that the team accomplishes rests with the way they are able to work together. It will be next to impossible to achieve any result of great value if your team is not working together. If some of you are pushing while others are pulling, it will create negative energy and in some cases wreak havoc on the whole team. Contrary to the popular belief – opposites do not attract, especially when it comes to teams.

 

Like-mindedness is essential for team success; the goal of the team must be the focus of every team member in order to achieve the best results. That being said, following are my best ideas on what it takes to build a Killer Team. I’ve broken it down into 7 steps that you can begin to apply immediately and achieve immediate and positive results.

 

 

1. Embody the mission

This is something that will come up over and over again on this website in some context or another. So many people embark on new journeys, start new projects or new relationships without ever creating a mission for what they want to achieve. It is actually ludicrous when you think about it; see yourself in your mind’s eye getting ready to do something or go somewhere without knowing exactly what it is you are trying to accomplish.

Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. That would only make sense to a moron and I know that’s not you.

 

So then, the first step in building a Killer Team is to embody the mission. Embodying the mission though means several things. In order to be one with your team mission, every member must be willing to commit to it without wavering; you must all see it through together.

Several things occur when a mission has been embodied successfully.

 

Creating and living the mission – when the whole team is involved in creating the mission, it makes them feel like they are a part of something greater than themselves. Their values become a part of the whole which makes it personal and therefore automatically commands more commitment. It is a lot easier to live a mission that you created than it is to live someone else’s; in fact I’d say it’s damn near impossible to live a mission you didn’t have a hand in creating. This is absolutely essential if you want your team to fully embrace the mission – be one with it. You must all be involved in the creation of it and then you must all live it every single day for maximum impact.

 

Clarity in purpose – nothing beats the knowledge of destiny. When you know exactly what you want to achieve and precisely where you’re going, it’s pretty difficult to miss the mark. At that point you only have to choose the right vehicles to get you to your destination – to your goal. A purpose-driven goal is one destined for success. Once every team member is clear on what the purpose is, expectations are aligned and focus is singular. This creates power beyond your imagination and productivity skyrockets under these conditions.

 

Roles & responsibilities defined – this cannot be stressed enough. I’ve seen so many teams implode because the members have no clue what each is supposed to be doing. This is what creates chaos on a team and breeds frustration that lead to conflicts that lead to undesired or disastrous results. It is absolutely imperative that roles and responsibilities are clear and that each team member knows not only what he or she is supposed to be doing but also exactly what each of the other team members are supposed to be doing. This is important in order to achieve maximum efficiency and efficacy. It allows your team to execute at a high level with the least effort. No double work!

 

The tie that binds – this is what embodiment of a mission does; it creates a deep bond among those who’ve created and are indeed living it. This is a very important element as you will see in the next step, Cultivate Synergy. If you create a mission together, live it daily together and commit together to see it through, this creates a powerful and almost unbreakable bond. It creates unshakable focus and through your commitment, it crystallizes your purpose – the team’s purpose.

 

2. Cultivate Synergy

Synergy is supremely important for any team to function at its peak. This is the pinnacle of togetherness in a common cause. When a team is synergized, each move they make is like flowing water; they move in fluidity and synchronized harmony. It’s really a beautiful thing to experience and if you have, you know exactly what I am talking about.

 

Cultivating synergy requires transparency and openness among all the team members. It requires the desire to listen with the intent to first understand each other and also the courage to state your point of view. It requires that, when trying to resolve issues or come up with solutions where you do not all agree, that you always seek

The Third Alternative

which is a solution derived from all the desires combined to create a better solution than any of the individual ideas – it promotes and demands win/win.

 

Furthermore, cultivating synergy also requires that you cherish teamwork in all facets and eliminate competition – at least against each other. Competition among the team can easily, and often does, lead to “I first and team second” and selfishness. This creates the “what’s in it for me” mentality which throws the whole idea of the team purpose right out the window.

 

Rather than promote competition, Killer Teams promote collaboration; they promote cooperation and fellowship. Instead of sitting on opposite sides of the table, members of a Killer Team sit on the same side. Side by side is better than opposing sides – both from a physical and psychological stand point.

 

When a team is synergized, trust is at its pinnacle – each teammate trusts the other to do exactly what he is supposed to do. Each member covers the other and is confident that his/her backside is covered at all times. If you are unable to trust your teammates, you will be unable to achieve success as a team.

 

Synergy is what made the L.A. Lakers of the 80’s and Chicago Bulls of the 90’s so great. The players trusted each other – they knew when to give the ball up to the next man. They seemed to always know where each other was on the court and every man seemed to know where he needed to be in order to receive the ball and sink a basket. It was like watching beautiful choreography when these teams played. 

 

3. Level the playing field

For the most part, every team has a leader as well it should. There should be someone in the director position – the person responsible for making sure the blueprint is followed and the goals are met. That being said, one of the most important elements of a Killer Team is a level playing field.

 

This means that no one and I mean no one is above the law so to speak. As a matter of fact, the first person upholding the laws of the team should always be the leader. His/her example should be like a shining beacon to all other team members.

 

Leveling the playing field is simple – it requires that every member of the team is accountable for his/her actions. Each person from the top down is held to the same standard and has equal opportunity to voice opinions, ideas and grievances without fear of negative recourse. Each team member must treat every other team member as an equal and with love and respect.

 

Leveling the playing field in this manner can often create powerful and unbreakable bonds – it fosters loyalty. When every team member knows that his part is just as important and is given equal standing to the next person’s, it becomes easy to commit. The purpose of the team comes alive and thrives in the harmony of collaboration – in synergy.

 

4. Foster heretics

Killer Teams are notorious for going against the grain – they often observe the masses and do the opposite. As such, even though a team usually has a leader, Killer Teams expect leadership to come from any rank, any position, anywhere. This is why they foster heretics.

 

Killer Teams are always looking for leaders – not just one. Heretics are leaders because they don’t wait for others to make change, they start it and others follow. Heretics abhor the status quos – they are not interested in the discovery from last week, they want to go forth into new frontiers and make the next discovery.

 

The best Killer Teams are usually made up entirely of heretics – leaders. Mindless sheep get left in the pasture while the heretics steal the dawn of the day. While you whine about breakfast, heretics are busy eating your lunch and stealing your supper. Killer Teams are known for beating others to the punch and the reason is that they only recruit innovative and forward-thinking individuals; those that would sooner crush the status quos than live a day by it. Killer Team members only like the status quos because it gives them a new challenge – it gives them a change to champion.

 

Killer Teams are at their best when they are fueled by heretics because there are leaders in every hall making changes and breaking new ground. When you are part of a team that operates this way, you are constantly in a state of inspiration because you see the world anew each and every day.

 

5. Discourage conformists

As Killer Teams foster heretics, something else happens automatically, they discourage conformists. Conformists are those who uphold the status quos – they fight for the status quos. Conformists hate change, they consider most change a threat and that’s why they live in fear.

 

Killer Teams have no use for these types of individuals because they know they won’t bring any creativity or innovation to the table. They will simply do what others are doing without ever giving a thought to change; even in the face of a broken system, conformists will still fight for the status quos.

 

A team of conformists create nothing, build nothing and change nothing. They simply do what they are told or what they are expected to do. There is a place for these people… in an ant hill. Ants are like programmed soldiers – they each have a job that they were born to do and they do it until they die. It’s great for an ant, probably get a medal or a crumb, but very sad for a human being.

 

As one comedian said of our 43rd president and I’ll paraphrase, “conformists do the same thing on Wednesday that they did on Monday, no matter what happened on Tuesday.”

 

Teams that consist of conformists are the teams that are getting killed by Killer Teams. Conformists are managers, not leaders; they manage the assembly line and do exactly as they’re told. Heretics are leaders; they chase all that is considered taboo in the hopes of positive change. Killer Team members are heretics because they thrive on change and crushing the status quos.

 

6. Be A Square

If you want to build a Killer Team or lead one, you must understand and master how to be a square. Ever wonder why it almost always never works when a third party tries to solve problems in a relationship, especially when no request was made for help? These people are usually told to butt out!

 

On a team, one of the worst things you can do is create triangulation in a problem. Triangulating a problem means taking a problem that occurred between and affected two individuals or two groups and inserting a third party to fix the problem. What usually happens is, the conflicting parties end up confessing each other's sins and then the mediator is left in the difficult position of deciding who’s right and who’s erred.  This almost always never ends well – at least one person usually comes out of this situation unhappy.

 

Individuals who build and lead Killer Teams never create triangulation in a problem. Instead, they promote one-on-one Third Alternative resolution. This approach basically says that if you have a conflict with another teammate, you agree to work through the issue together until you reach a resolution that you are both happy with. If a third party is ever inserted into the equation, it would only be because the conflicting parties both agreed that it was best in the course of resolving their issue.

 

When you build and lead a Killer Team, you must commit to being a square with every team member, no triangulation ever unless explicitly requested by both conflicting parties. Be a square and you will always be fair.

 

7. Get out of the way

Many teams have been thrown completely off track when this element gets muddled. It is possible to build and lead a Killer Team only to find that you’ve limited its potential by constantly getting in the way. Part of the reason for adhering to the 6 steps above is so that it makes it very easy for you to follow the 7th.

 

Once your Killer Team is in place and every team member knows what to do, as a leader your job is to now get out of the way. When you remove yourself from every nook and cranny, remarkable things begin to happen. Team members work together, creativity is high and results are astounding. I’ve seen so many talented leaders fail at getting out of the way so badly that the team failed and the mission never got off the ground.

 

I remember once when I was charged to lead a group of about 90 individuals at a company symposium. My task was to lead the team of individuals who were monitoring classrooms and catering to the customers. This by far was one of the most important leadership roles at the symposium. On the morning of the pep rally just before the event got underway, I was scheduled to give my team a pep talk – prepare us for what was ahead.

 

I said many things that morning but one of the most important things I did was recognize the incredible talent that was on my team, plant the seeds of the mission and then stepped aside and watched a well-oiled machine run. The results were, as you can imagine, astounding. I was confident in the tenacity of my team, I knew that it was packed with heretics and experience so I simply shared the mission, gained unanimous consensus with it and then provided a platform for them to execute – I got out of the way.

 

This is often very hard for leaders to do – instead, they try to control every outcome and every process. For the most part though, all they end up doing is managing instead of leading which defeats the entire purpose of building a Killer Team.

 

What kind of team are you on?

So, are you on a team? Where do you think your team falls, Killer or Getting Killed?

 

If you want to build teams that accomplish great things, you must be willing to commit to the 7 steps above. I realize that it may seem like you don’t have much of a choice when it comes to who is on your team, especially if you have a job; however, you can still be a heretic, a leader.

 

You can start your own Killer Team within a team. Perhaps you want to start a Killer Team at work whose sole purpose is to create positive changes in the workplace and stamp out the status quos. Just remember, the top doesn’t always mean the CEO, the top can start with you.

 

 

The Third Alternative

As a follow up to the last post, 7 Steps to the Killer Negotiations, I felt the need to really delve into the Step #6 due to the many conversations it has sparked. I didn’t realize that it would be such a controversial topic so I want to share my insights and conviction regarding the Third Alternative.

I’ve often been criticized or even ridiculed for believing that there is a third alternative in any given situation. I’ve been called an unrealistic optimist – my cousin wasn’t too shy about sharing her skepticism with me when we debated on the subject.

The irrefutable fact is though, that there is almost always a Third Alternative and we each have the responsibility to pursue it fervently in all our endeavors. There are those rare times when the Third Alternative is not necessary but I’ve found that in most situations it’s not only warranted but necessary.

What is the Third Alternative?

The Third Alternative is the synergy between two or more parties and their ideas that produces results that are not only desirable to all parties involved but is exponentially greater than the independent thoughts before they came together. (I know – long sentence; let me break it down a bit.)

Essentially, when you arrive at the Third Alternative, everyone involved in a given situation not only walks away happy but with much more than they’d expected in the first place. This, in the view of many, may seem an unrealistic goal especially when I assert that this option almost always exists in almost any situation. I believe it, I live it and I’ve seen it time and time again.

The Third Alternative is possible each and every time, parties get together to negotiate or resolve an issue. If they come to the table with the genuine intent to see that everyone is happy with the outcome to the situation, you will see the Third Alternative in action. Because people usually enter a negotiation or situation with different expectations, it is entirely possible that not every party will be happy at the onset of the process. Focused on a desirable result for all though, flexibility , understanding, creativity and ingenuity kick in to bring about a Third Alternative that is better than all the ideas put together.

The Third Alternative says that you are open; it says that you embrace the new; it says that you abhor the status quo; it says that you can change if the change leads to the good of all. This is what the Third Alternative is all about.

What’s Not the Third Alternative?

Before we explore just exactly how you arrive at the Third Alternative, I feel that it’s important to clarify what it is not.

The Third Alternative is not Win/Lose. In a win/lose exchange, one party always wins and the other always loses which means someone is going home unhappy – with a raw deal. This is not good for either party – even if the “winner” feels like he got away clean, it won’t be for long. Resentment is an emotion that often brews slowly and then unleashes in the nastiest ways imaginable. I don’t think the so-called winner would want to be the winner at this point. Also, Win/Lose doesn’t make for successful relationship cultivation either; it will be rotten before it even gets started.

The Third Alternative is not Lose/Win.  Again, it breeds resentment and distrust. People who go for Lose/Win tend to lack confidence and courage to pursue their desires which makes it impossible to ever reach the Third Alternative. The Third Alternative can only be realized when each party has the confidence and the courage to convey true desires – then and only then can the results be the best and magnified ten-fold or one thousand-fold for that matter.

The bottom line is that, the Third Alternative cannot exist among those who seek to win at all cost and those who seek to please at any price.

Those who seek to win at all cost don’t care how they arrive at the win just so long as they win. This is a short-term strategy that almost always has no longevity whatsoever and most probably no chance of survival in the long run. Those who seek to please at any price tend to whine and complain about not having meanwhile they consistently compromise their goals, desires and values to appease others in the hope that it will be better next time. This by and large is never the case because if you seek to lose – you will.

The Third Alternative in Action

There are 7 keys to seeing the Third Alternative in action aside from being a fly on the wall while it’s happening.

Genuine intent – your intentions must be pure. You have to go in with the genuine intent to seek a solution that is for the good of all parties involved. This has to be your mission in order for you to have the right direction – be guided by the correct map.

Be open – If you have genuine intent, then this one is easy – they go hand in hand. In order to reach the Third Alternative, you have to be open to other ideas. You have to embrace newness and change. When you seek the Third Alternative, the possibilities are limitless.

Confidence and courage – You have to believe in your position so that you can clearly state your desires. If you do not present your desires with conviction and clarity, no one will know what you truly want and therefore you rob others of the opportunity to consider your true desires. The Third Alternative requires truth in order to be realized.

Desire to listen and understand – This key is very important; you must have a true desire to listen and understand the other parties. This is the only way your creative self can truly seek the best solution. The better you understand the others’ desires, the easier it will be for you to find synergy among the ideas.

Be flexible – Flexibility is key because you must be able to adapt quickly and effortlessly when seeking the Third Alternative. This is the way you show your willingness to embrace newness and change for the good of all.

Be creative – Adhering to the other keys will more easily give rise to your most creative self. The Third Alternative requires creativity in order to be successful – to find synergy and common ground – to change.

Be prepared to walk away – This key is almost always not necessary because the other keys taken together are almost always effective. Still, if it becomes necessary, you must be prepared to walk away. Many people have a hard time with this concept – walking away from what seems like a good deal just because everyone is not happy. That is exactly what I’m saying though. If for some reason a creative Third Alternative is not possible, then this becomes the Third Alternative. It’s either a Win/Win or walk away. No deal is better than a raw deal – period!

It’s Unrealistic

Is it really so difficult to grasp – really? I believe that the people who say this are married to the status quo – leaders believe in the possibilities. Who decides what’s realistic and what’s not? Is there an authority designated in the area or realism that I am unaware of? I didn’t think so.

If perception is reality, then what I perceive is also real – the Third Alternative is always possible. I challenge you to try another approach to your negotiations; apply these keys and I guarantee you will immediately see the power of the Third Alternative in action.

As you digest this article… ponder this…

A friend once told me that the world is not BIG enough to be ideal. My response was that I believe that people’s ideals aren’t BIG enough for the world. What are your thoughts?